


Coming Home

by flipflop_diva



Category: Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice
Genre: Angst, F/M, Friendship, Multi, Romance, Threesome - F/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-27
Updated: 2012-08-31
Packaged: 2017-11-13 00:44:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 24,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/497493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flipflop_diva/pseuds/flipflop_diva
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After suffering a miscarriage, Addison needs to get away from her life for awhile. What she doesn't plan on is Derek and Mark coming along with her. But what starts out as a road trip from one coast to another becomes so much more as they struggle to figure out who they once were, what pulled them apart and what, if anything, is worth saving. Set in an AU world about a year after Private Practice Season 4 and Grey's Anatomy Season 7. Contains explicit sexual situations, including a threesome.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [red_b_rackham](https://archiveofourown.org/users/red_b_rackham/gifts).



> [Coming Home fanart, by red_b_rackham](http://archiveofourown.org/works/494352)

They were the last two people she expected to see on her front porch that morning, but there they were. Grinning goofily at her as she opened the door, her eyes puffy and red, bleary from lack of sleep, stinging from the ever-constant prickles behind them.

She stared at them open-mouthed, too shocked, too confused, to even say anything.

“You don’t really look like you’re ready to go on a road trip.” She watched as Mark’s eyes trailed from the top of her mussed-up hair all the way down to her bare feet, causing an uncharacteristic urge to wrap her arms around herself, suddenly embarrassed by the t-shirt and skimpy pajama shorts she is wearing.

“Why are you here?” she managed to spit out, trying to work up enough strength to glare at them.

Derek grinned. “You would know if you bothered to answer your phone.”

That was not the right thing to say. Her glare turned to ice. She made a move to slam the door and snarled when it wouldn’t budge. Derek’s hand was in the way, stopping the door before she had a chance to pointedly slam it on them.

“Amy called us.” His voice was soft, gentle. He might as well have been screaming. “We know about Sam. We know about …. well, we know.”

Addison blinked. How could she?

“She had no right! She had no right to tell you!” The anger coursing through her veins at that very second was stronger than anything she could ever remember feeling. _They_ were not supposed to know. _No one_ was supposed to know. Not ever.

“She’s worried about you.”

“I’m fine!” She stomped her foot for emphasis, but it was her luck that their pounding on her door roused her from where she had been lying for hours upon hours on the couch. Bare feet on tile doesn’t make much noise, and suddenly Derek and Mark were looking at her with such a mixture of sadness and pity that she wanted to scream or burst into tears right there. She didn’t know which.

She struggled for a moment to find that surge of anger, but it was gone. Vanished.

“I’m fine,” she said again, but her voice caught on the last note and she had to bite her lip to keep from sobbing. They pretended not to notice.

“I still don’t understand why you’re here,” she finally managed. “This isn’t a good time. I’m … I’m going away for a few days.”

“We know,” Mark said and he grinned. “We’re going with you.”

For the second time that morning, words leave her. She just stared at him uncomprehendingly. “W-what?”

“Amy told us,” Derek said, jumping in. “She told us you were planning to drive to New York, to get away from a few days. We decided we’d go with you.”

Her eyebrows arched, rising up into her hairline.

“And why would you do that?” she said. In the back of her mind, she was already plotting a hundred different ways to kill her former sister-in-law.

This was not part of the plan. Not by far. The plan was to leave L.A, to get away, to be by herself. Far, far away from Sam and people who were supposed to be her friends and dreams that would never be hers.

The two men standing in front of her were definitely not part of that plan. The last thing she needed was two more reminders of everything that had gone wrong in her life. 

They weren’t talking, so she decided to take matters into her own hands.

“No,” she said. “No way. Absolutely not. You don’t get to come.”

“You don’t get a choice, “ Mark said.

Addison glared. “The hell I don’t, Mark Sloane!” she seethed. “This is my life, my decision. I say who comes and who doesn’t. You …” She jabbed her finger at him for emphasis. “Are not coming.”

In the corner of her eye, she saw Derek shoot Mark a quick look as if to say he warned him not to say anything. But when Derek turned back to her, his voice was quiet, soothing. She knew that tone way to well. It’s how he got her to do whatever he wanted back in New York. 

She crossed her arms over her chest. She was not falling for that this time.

“Addie,” he said. “Just think about it. Remember back in New York when we’d take little road trips? We had a great time. It could be like that.”

She shook her head. “We went to the Hamptons,” she grumbled. “It wasn’t exactly a road trip.”

“It was still fun,” Mark argued. 

“This is different,” she said. 

“It doesn’t have to be.”

“It does.”

“It doesn’t.”

“It does.”

Derek sighed, breaking into the conversation. “Why do you always have to be so stubborn? Come on, Addie, we want to do this. Let us come.”

It hit her then. Not by anything Derek said, not even by the way that Mark was bouncing from foot to foot. But by the look she still saw in their eyes.

“I don’t need a babysitter,” she snapped.

“This isn’t what that is,” Derek said, a little too quickly. She glared.

“What did Amelia tell you? That I’m so distraught I’m going to drive off a bridge? Disappear and never be seen from again? And you guys what? Want to come rescue me?” She scoffed at that, a slight laugh leaving her throat. “Well, you know what. You just wasted a trip. I don’t need rescuing.”

Derek cocked his head and stared at her. She looked away. She didn’t want to see into his eyes.

“Has it ever occurred to you that maybe we have things to run from too?”

“No,” she said. “No. You are not coming. Absolutely not.”

But in the end they wore her down. That was probably their strategy in the first place. She was too tired, too numb, to miserable to put up much of a fight. She didn’t want them to come, but she couldn’t keep fighting them off. All it was doing was making her want to curl up in a ball and cry.

So finally she gave up and let them in. She pointed them in the direction of the kitchen and mumbled something about food, then waved her hand toward the stairs to indicate guest rooms. She led them to the living room, handing them her laptop and letting them pour over Google maps and plot out their trip.

She didn’t care where they went or what they did. She just wished everyone would leave her alone. But that wasn’t going to happen, so she lay on the couch while they talked, pretending to listen while they discussed routes and sightseeing and hotels and all such things she didn’t really care about.

She just wanted to get away. The trip was a distraction. The thought of it being anymore was just too much for her to bear.

She was contemplating if it would be possible to just sneak out in the middle of the night without anyone noticing when Derek’s voice broke into her thoughts.

“Twenty-four hours, Addison,” he said. “Twenty-four hours. If you don’t want to be with us after that, we’ll leave.”

She narrowed her eyes. She hated that he still somehow managed to know her so well. 

“How about twelve?”

“Twenty-four, Addison. You have to at least give us a chance.”

She sighed. “But how do I know I can trust you?”

He shrugged. “I can’t help you with that.”

“Fine,” she said. “You win.” And she pointed her finger at them again. “Twenty-four hours only.”

With that, she resumed her prone position on the couch, being careful not to look at them. But finally, she had enough. 

“We’re leaving at eight a.m.!” Derek called after her as she left the room, but she gave no indication that she heard him.

Amelia still wasn’t home. Her former sister-in-law hadn’t been home in awhile actually. She tried to remember the last time she had seen her, but she was too exhausted to put much thought into it. Derek had said it was Amelia who had told them everything, so she figured Amelia must know Derek and Mark were here.

Addison made her way out to her back deck and lay down in one of the chairs, pulling a blanket up over her. She could see the waves, hear them pounding, but the time when the sound of the ocean rising and falling had brought her peace, had brought her comfort, was long past. Now, she was just numb. She’d been hurting too much for too long. She didn’t think she could even remember how it felt to care about something or how it felt to smile, or worse, how it felt to be happy.

She fell asleep eventually. Or she must have, because the nightmare came again. She was back in the bathroom and she could see the blood. It was everywhere and it was spreading, faster and faster, covering the floor around her. She tried to stop it, but there was nothing she could do. Like always, she cried out. But no one heard her. No one was there.

Except this time someone was there.

Addison was startled back into consciousness by the feel of strong arms wrapped around her. Her head was against someone’s chest, but she would have known the feel of it anywhere. 

Derek.

For a second, wrapped in his arms, she felt almost safe, almost protected. Her face and his shirt were wet, and she realized she must have been crying in her sleep again.

“I’ve got you. You’re okay.” Derek was murmuring into her hair, his hands stroking her back. She tried to remember the last time someone had held her. It certainly hadn’t been since … well, since then.

It took him a few moments to realize she was awake. Once he did, he pulled back a little so he could see her face. 

“You were having a nightmare,” he said softly. She just nodded. He seemed to understand she didn’t want to talk.

“Why don’t we just get you to bed?” he said softly. “We’re going to start our trip in the morning anyway.”

She expected him to help her to her feet, was prepared for it really, so it took her by surprise when he stood up with her in his arms.

It felt so nice, though, she didn’t protest. She just laid her head on his shoulder and let him carry her upstairs. Neither one of them spoke as he carried her up the stairs and to the master bedroom, nor did they speak when he laid her on the bed and tucked the covers around her.

He was leaning down to give her a quick kiss on the forehead — “Good night, Addie,” — when she spoke.

“Stay with me?”

It’s all she said and all he needed. He smiled at her and slipped into bed beside her. He didn’t hold her or snuggle with her. That wasn’t their relationship anymore. But he did reach over and let his fingers settle over hers.

That was enough. She slept through the next six hours without any nightmares, something she hadn’t done in six months.


	2. Chapter 2

__

  
**_[23 years earlier]_ **   


_Addison was drunk. Well, almost everyone in the bar was drunk, but she was the worst. How she was still standing was almost a mystery. But still, Derek couldn’t stop looking at her. It was the first time he had seen her not in class, and even drunk, he couldn’t believe how unbelievably gorgeous she was._

“Oh, for heaven’s sake,” Mark finally said, a note of exasperation in his voice. “Stop staring at her and go ask her out already.”

“She’s drunk,” Derek said.

“Clearly.”

“I’m not going to ask her out when she’s drunk.”

Mark just rolled his eyes. And before Derek could stop him, he was out of his seat, walking straight over to Addison. Next thing Derek knew, Mark was heading back toward him, the stumbling redhead in his tow.

“Addison,” Mark said to her once they had arrived at the table. “Derek has something to ask you.”

Derek shot Mark a look, but Mark just shoved him over so he could let Addison flop down beside him.

She giggled as she almost slid off the seat.

“Hi,” she said to Derek, her voice slurring, her eyes glassy. She reached out and took Derek’s hand, which was lying on the table, examining it. 

“Hi,” he said.

Mark rolled his eyes, “You two have fun” and walked away.

Three hours later, as she puked into a trash can as he walked her home, Derek didn’t know if he would call it fun. But he would call it memorable. 

And Monday morning, when she came up to him before class, red-faced and stuttering over her words, professing her apologies and asking if she could possibly buy him lunch — sans alcohol — to make up for it, he considered it a success.

 

 

 

 

 

**[Day 1: Las Vegas]**  


The next morning, Derek woke before Addison. In the middle of the night, she had scooted closer to him, so when he woke she was resting up against his shoulder. He could see the faint lines of the tear tracks on her cheeks, and his heart ached.

He slipped out of bed, making sure not to disturb her, and headed downstairs. He found Mark and Amelia sipping coffee out by the car as Mark struggled to load luggage.

“Hey,” he greeted them. Mark smirked.

“Already Derek?” he asked.

Derek refrained from rolling his eyes. “I didn’t sleep with her,” he said, shooting Mark a disapproving look, then turned to his sister. “She has nightmares a lot?”

Amelia nodded. 

“You guys need to take care of her,” she said. “She’s been … well, it’s bad. I don’t think she’s smiled in six months. She’s just miserable.”

Amelia took a sip of her coffee.

“She wanted that baby so badly,” she whispered. “She’d tried so long, and she wanted it so badly. She almost died because of it. … I think sometimes she wishes she had.”

Mark shuffled his feet. “You really think her being with us is going to help anything?”

Amelia shrugged. “I know, despite what she says, that you two are her best friends, and if anyone can help her, you guys can.”

Derek opened his mouth to speak, but he didn’t get the chance. The front door clanged open and Addison appeared, still in the same pajamas she had been wearing since they arrived, but two pieces of luggage clutched in her hand.

Mark laughed. “Addison,” he scolded. “You know you don’t have to take everything you own.”

Her gaze hardened. “This is _my_ trip,” she hissed at him. “I can do whatever the hell I want. You two are the uninvited guests.”

She would have said more, but Derek shot Mark a look, then made a grab for the luggage she was carrying.

“Go get ready, Addison,” he said. “We’ll go when you’re ready.”

She shot Mark another glare, then turned around and disappeared back inside.

Derek sighed. 

“I was only trying to tease her,” Mark said weakly. “I didn’t think she …”

“I know,” Derek said. “I just don’t think she’s ready for that yet.”

Three hours later — and long past their desired starting time of eight — they were ready to go. Everything had fit — barely — into the car, and the only thing to do was say goodbye.

Amelia hugged Mark first. “Try not to sleep with every woman between here and New York,” she joked.

“And what is the fun in that?” he asked, hugging her back.

She gave Derek a hug next.

“Don’t go crazy when we’re gone,” he told her, and she knew what he was thinking about.

“That was a long time ago,” she whispered. “I’m clean. I’m fine.”

“You’d better be.”

“Take care of her,” she whispered in his ear so only he could hear. “And if you hurt her in any way, intentionally or unintentionally, I will hire some great big goons to pummel you.”

“Love you,” she said louder as she let go and turned to Addison. Carefully, she gave her a hug.

“Try and have some fun, Addie,” she told her. “You deserve it.”

Addison just nodded, letting Amelia hug her, then walking to the car. She opened the door to the backseat and slid in.

“You can have shotgun,” Mark told her, but she shook her head.

Mark cast a look at Amelia, who shrugged.

“Have fun boys and girl!” she grinned. “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

“Well,” Mark said. “At least that pretty much rules out nothing!”

Amelia watched them leave, waving until they were out of sight. As soon as they couldn’t see the house anymore, Addison dug through the few items that were next to her and pulled out a pillow.

“Addison-” Mark started, but Derek shook his head at him.

Mark rolled his eyes. “I thought we were supposed to be having fun together,” he whispered under his breath, careful to be quieter than the sound of the radio so Addison wouldn’t hear. “Her sleeping the entire trip away does not exactly scream having fun.”

Derek glanced at the woman in the backseat, who had already closed her eyes again and was huddled under a blanket.

“It’s the first day,” he whispered back. “Give her some time.”

They pulled into the neon lights and outlandish hotels that composed Vegas six hours later.

“I hate traffic,” Mark groaned as they finally stopped. “Whose idea was it to drive anyway?”

Derek smirked at him and turned around to nudge Addison. “Addison, wake up,” he said. “We’re here.”

Addison’s eyes opened, and she looked blearily at Derek. She rubbed her eyes, then stole a look out the window.

“Vegas?” she said, and her nose crinkled.

“Where else would we go?” Mark asked.

“I don’t know. Maybe some place like San Francisco?” Addison frowned at the multitudes of people outside her window.

“This will be much more fun,” Mark told her. She scowled.

“Come on, Addison,” he said. “We had a lot of fun last time we were here.”

“We were twenty-six.”

“And your point?”

She didn’t answer, just sighed, loudly, and opened the door to get out of the car.

“At least you picked a decent-looking hotel,” she grumbled as they heading inside the doors of Mandalay Bay.

“Only the best for you, our queen,” Mark told her, and she swatted him, but not before, for a split second, the two men saw the faintest trace of a smile on her face.

•••

“Oh, well this is a lot nicer than that shithole you made us stay in last time,” Addison remarked as Mark opened the door to their suite.

“I’m glad it’s up to Forbes Montgomery standards,” he said, then added. “And you picked the last hotel, Addison. I think you called it ‘cute’.”

She frowned. “Only because you got me drunk.”

“ _I_ got you drunk? Yeah, that’s how it happened.”

Addison glared at him, and then her lips quirked. “That is _exactly_ how it happened.” She looked around her now. “The biggest room is mine,” she declared and went off in search of it.

“Well, there’s a shocker!” Mark called after her.

“So what do we all want to do first?” Derek asked some twenty minutes later as they stood on their balcony, overlooking the lights and the Strip of Las Vegas.

“Go spend all of Addison’s trust fund in the casino,” Mark said. He moved out of the way of Addison’s hand before she could try swatting him again.

Derek turned to Addison. “Addie?”

She shrugged.

“Alright,” Mark laughed. “Then casino it is. Addison, get your credit cards.”

•••

To her credit, Addison actually did put in some effort. She stood at the craps table with Derek and Mark, she ordered a drink when the cocktail waitress came around, she placed chips on the table and pretended to cheer when she won money. But her heart wasn’t in it. Maybe no one else who was at their table could tell, but Derek could. And Mark could, too. There was no hiding anything from them.

She smiled, but her smile never touched her eyes. She laughed, but it sounded hallow. And when she thought no one was looking, her eyes darted to the side, looking for an escape that couldn’t be found.

Finally, Derek couldn’t take it anymore. He handed the chips he had left to Mark, whispered, “Please don’t lose all my money,” and then walked over to Addison. 

She had stopped playing awhile ago and was now just quietly watching them, but her façade was beginning to slip. She looked miserable.

Derek grabbed her hand.

“Come on,” he said.

“Where are we going?” she asked skeptically.

“For a walk,” he said. “You look like you could use some fresh air.”

He navigated her out of the casino and out on to the Vegas Strip. Lights were flashing, people were walking and laughing and talking, but no one noticed them. They were just two strangers in a crowd of tourists.

He held her hand as they headed down The Strip, and to his surprise, she didn’t try to pull away. Her hand was limp in his, but she followed after him.

They were quiet for a long time. It wasn’t until they were heading back up The Strip that Derek dared to break the silence.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked softly.

“No,” she said instantly. She didn’t elaborate and he didn’t press her.

“We meant what he said,” he told her. “Mark and I. We just wanted twenty-four hours. If you want us to leave in the morning, we will. We know you don’t want us here.”

He watched her out of the corner of his eye. She shrugged.

“It doesn’t matter,” she said. 

“Addison …”

“It’s fine.”

“Are you sure?”

She shrugged again. “It’s fine.”

“Okay,” he said. He wasn’t sure he believed her, but he wasn’t going to argue. He and Mark had promised Amelia they would look after her, so as long as she was willing to let them stay, he wasn’t going to risk her changing her mind.

“I’m going to bed,” she told him the moment they arrived back at their hotel room.

“Okay,” he said.

“What time are we leaving in the morning?”

“I don’t think there’s a set time.”

“Fine.” 

She didn’t say anything else, just headed off toward the bedroom she had earlier claimed as her own. He sighed as he watched her go, then headed out to the balcony, stopping only to pour a glass of scotch from the mini-bar along the way.

A short while later he heard the hotel room door click open, then Mark appeared on the balcony.

“She in bed?”

“Yeah,” Derek said.

“How is she?”

Derek shrugged. “I have no idea. She’s Addison. She’s doing what she does best. Pretending she’s fine and nothing’s bothering her.”

“I guess you guys didn’t talk on your walk.”

“Not even a little.”

Derek sighed. Mark pulled up the chair next to him. They sipped their drinks in silence.

“Do you think she’s going to make it?” Mark’s voice was oddly quiet in the dark night, as though he were afraid to even voice the thought.

Derek took a sip, weighing his answer.

“I hope so,” he finally said.

“She’s the strongest woman I’ve ever met,” Mark said.

“Yeah,” Derek said. “She certainly used to be.”

•••

Mark went to bed first. Derek stayed awake, staring over the balcony on to the streets below. He could still see people walking up and down, cars heading in all directions, but he wasn’t focusing on them. 

Finally, he set his glass down and headed inside. He paused just outside the door to her room.

It wouldn’t hurt to make sure she was okay, he told himself. 

He crept forward and pushed the door open slightly. What he heard made him freeze.

She was crying. Muffled sobs broke the silence of their hotel room.

He couldn’t help himself. He crept inside and over to the edge of the bed, sitting down carefully on the edge. His hand reached out, stroking her hair.

“Oh, Addison,” he said softly.

She turned her head, looked up at him. From the light of the hall, he could see the tears dripping down her cheeks.

“Oh, honey,” he whispered.

He couldn’t help himself. But then again, he never could when it came to her. He lay down next to her, put his arms around her, pulled her into his arms.

She came willingly.

“Make it stop hurting,” she whispered brokenly as he ran his fingers through her hair.

“I wish I could,” he said softly. “I wish I could.”


	3. Chapter 3

__

  
**[23 years earlier]**   


They had been dating for six months. Mark was beginning to think she was the roommate he had never wanted. Every time he turned around, there she was. Studying at their table, lying on their couch, eating all their food.

“Do you ever go home?” he asked her. She glared.

Derek was too busy stirring chopping vegetables to pay attention to the fight brewing between his girlfriend and his best friend. Besides, he was tired of refereeing the two of them.

“I mean, you do have an apartment, right?” Mark asked. “And a roommate? Maybe a life that doesn’t include him?”

Mark jerked his thumb at Derek. Addison scowled.

“You do know how to shut up, right?” she shot back.

Mark rolled his eyes. “Wow, you got me. No wonder you’re the teacher’s pet.”

Addison’s scowl deepened. “Derek wants me here,” she said.

“Does he want you here every single second of the day?”

“I’m not here every single second of the day!”

“Oh, right, I should have clarified. Every single second of the day when you aren’t nerding it up in class.”

Addison huffed. “At least I go to class.”

“And I should care?”

“We’re in med school! Why are you here if not to go to class?”

Mark snorted. It was Addison’s turn to roll her eyes.

“You’re disgusting,” she said. “There is more to med school than hooking up with random women.”

“There is more to med school than having very loud sex with your boyfriend, but that doesn’t seem to stop you.”

Derek turned around just in time to see Addison flush almost beet red.

“Mark,” he warned.

His best friend held his hands up in defense. “I’m going. I’m going,” he said. “I have a date anyway. I’ll see you later.” He shot a look at Addison, who was still blushing. “I’d say I’d hope not to see her later, but I suppose that’s too much to ask for.”

Then he was gone, leaving Derek alone with his girlfriend. 

“I’m sorry,” he told her, placing a plate of pasta and vegetables in front of her.

She shrugged. “I know he’s your best friend,” she said, “but I just can’t stand him.”

“I’m sorry,” she added. “I am trying.”

Derek smirked. “Well, I hate your brother, so I guess we’re even.”

Her lip quirked up. “Yeah, I guess so,” she said.

But that wasn’t the end of it. An hour later, with Addison lying in his arms on the couch, a glass of wine in her hand, she turned around, twisting her head so she could see her boyfriend.

“You can make me leave, you know,” she said softly.

Derek frowned. “Addison,” he said. “Don’t let Mark get to you.”

“Maybe he’s right …”

“He’s not right.”

“But what if …”

“No what ifs. I want you here. I like you here.”

“Derek.” Addison frowned. She looked serious. “I don’t want to ruin your relationship with your best friend.”

“You aren’t.”

“He doesn’t like me.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Yes, it does.”

“No, it doesn’t.”

“How can it not?”

“Because I’m in love with you.”

Addison froze. The wine glass in her hand tipped dangerously to the side, but neither of them seemed to notice.

“You … love me?” she finally managed.

Derek smiled. “I love you,” he said, then again, “I am completely in love with you, Addison Forbes Montgomery.”

This time the wine glass did spill, but again, they didn’t notice. She threw her arms around Derek.

“I love you, too,” she whispered. “I love you, too.”

  


**[Day 2: Albuquerque, New Mexico]**  


Mark would have wanted to stay in Las Vegas for a few days — and if he had been planning this trip, they would have — but one look at Addison’s teary-eyed expression the next day and he was packing up his bags along with Derek.

“Let’s hit the road,” he said. “Where do you want to go, Addie?”

She shrugged and climbed into the car, already digging out her pillow. Mark repressed a sigh and took the driver’s seat, letting Derek have shotgun.

Neither of them was really sure that Addison was actually asleep — at one point Mark thought she might be but Derek should his head no — so they kept the talk to small talk only. 

When she finally sat up and turned to stare out the window, Mark suggested car games. 

“Remember when we used to play the alphabet game?” he asked, but he and Derek gave up after H for Hill once they realized Addison wasn’t going to join in.

Twenty Questions and Truth or Dare didn’t fare much better, so finally, Mark just turned up the radio and they all rode in silence.

“Did something happen last night?” he asked Derek later. They were at a rest stop, waiting on Addison to come back from the bathroom. She hadn’t looked pleased when they had stopped, but she had trudged off to the restrooms anyway.

“Not really,” Derek said. “I asked her if she wanted to talk about it, and she said no. I asked her if she wanted us to leave, and she said no. Then she went to bed when we got back.”

“And then you ended up sleeping with her?”

“Not _sleeping_ with her. Comforting her. She was crying. You want me to let her cry?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“You seemed to be implying it.”

“No,” Mark shook his head. “She just seems sadder this morning than she was last night. I was wondering why.”

Derek shrugged. “I have no idea.”

“Yeah,” Mark said. “I was afraid of that.”

The rest of the drive was about the same as the beginning, the only difference being that Derek finally managed to get Addison agree to ride shotgun. Not that it mattered much. She clutched her pillow to her chest the whole time and stared out the window, not once uttering a word.

They ended up stopping in Albuquerque, New Mexico, grabbing three rooms in the first hotel they came to.

Addison claimed she just wanted to go to bed, but Derek and Mark wouldn’t let her, insisting she needed to eat something.

They found a diner — again, Addison looked displeased at this — but the food was good and there was no one around to bother them.

“Can I ask you something?” she said. They were about halfway through their meals. It was the first thing she had said since they had arrived and she had complained, “This place? Really?”

“You can ask us anything,” Derek told her.

She pursed her lips, pushed her fries around on her plate.

“Why are you here?” she finally asked. “I mean really here. You said you were running from something. I want to know what.”

Derek clarified. “You mean you want to know what happened with Meredith and me and with Mark and Lexie.”

Addison shrugged. “Maybe.”

“It didn’t work out,” Mark said. “We just weren’t a good match. I thought we were. She thought we weren’t. It’s hard to argue with that.”

Addison shrugged again. “You chose her over me.”

Mark frowned. “Do you want me to apologize for that?” He glanced at Derek, but Derek just shrugged. He wasn’t sure what Addison was getting at either.

Addison, for her part, didn’t answer. She was staring intently at her fries.

Derek decided it was his turn to go.

“Meredith and I,” he started, then paused. It was harder to talk about this than he expected. “We’re getting a divorce,” he finally said.

Addison’s head shot up, the French fry she was playing with dangling in her fingers.

“What?” she said.

“We’re getting a divorce,” he repeated. “We … we got married for the wrong reasons. We got married for a …” He paused, wondering if his next words were going to hurt Addison too much.

“We got married for a baby,” he finally said. “We got married because of Zola. It’s not a good reason to get married.”

Addison nodded, but her face remained impassive.

“What happened with Zola?” she asked.

“Meredith has her,” Derek said simply. “She said she was going to sue for sole custody if I didn’t let her have her full time. So I agreed.”

“Why?” Addison’s voice raised slightly. “Why would you do that?”

Derek sighed, running both his hands through her hair. “Because,” he finally said. “It was the best thing for Zola. Putting her through a custody battle? That’s not what she needs. Her life has been too hard already. She doesn’t deserve that.”

“But …” Addison looked like she was trying to piece something together in her mind. “But she’s yours, too.”

“Yes,” Derek said. “And I still see her. I just … I just don’t live with her.”

“I’m sorry,” Addison whispered.

“Me too,” Derek said.

“About Meredith, too,” she said.

“You don’t have to be.”

“I am.”

“It’s probably for the best,” Derek said. “I’m not sure we were ever a good match.”

“But she was a better match than me?”

“Addison …”

“No, it’s okay.” Addison placed her napkin down and was standing up. “I need to get out of here.”

“Addie …”

“No,” she said. “I need you to not follow me. I need to be alone.”

And then she was gone, disappearing out of the diner and into the night.

Derek pressed his hands to his eyes and leaned his head back against the booth.

“I’m an idiot,” he said out loud.

“Yes, you are,” Mark agreed.

“So are you.”

“Yes, I am.”

Derek slammed his hands on the table. “We’re both idiots.”

“She deserved to know the truth.”

“I wasn’t thinking.”

“Neither of us was thinking.”

“Do you think she’s going to forgive us?”

Mark shrugged. “It’s Addison,” he said. “Isn’t it in her nature to forgive us?”

Derek smiled at that. “God, I hope you’re right,” he said. “Or it’s going to be a long week.”


	4. Chapter 4

__

**[19 years earlier]**

Derek had never been so nervous in his life. He had been planning this day for months. At least it felt like it. And so far, nothing had gone at all how he had wanted it to.

He’d wanted a bright sunny day, with blue skies as far as the eye could see. Instead, it hadn’t stopped raining all day. 

He’d wanted the perfect ferry boat ride, where they could stand together, overlooking the water. Instead, the water was bumpy, the rain made it impossible to be outside and they were huddled inside trying to stay warm.

He’d wanted her to be happy and smiling and in the best mood possible. Instead, she was cranky and grumpy and practically hyperventilating over the fact that she could fail out of med school, even though he had spent the last five hours assuring her that she was probably the last person in their class who had to worry about that.

He was beginning to think this was a bad idea, that maybe it wasn’t meant to be, that maybe he should listen to his mother and rethink this decision. 

Or at least wait for another day.

“D-d-d-derek,” she said. Her teeth were chattering. “W-why are we doing this again?”

She had her arms wrapped around herself, but he could see it wasn’t helping at all.

He shrugged. “I wanted to do something special for you,” he said. “It was stupid.”

Her eyes softened. “Oh,” she said. “Well, that’s not stupid.”

He gestured around them. “It’s not exactly special.”

She dropped her eyes, picked at a piece of invisible lint on her gloves. “I’m sorry for ruining it,” she said.

“It wasn’t you, Addison,” he said. “It was a dumb idea.”

He stood up, making his way outside, despite the rain still dripping down. 

Maybe he really was an idiot for thinking this could ever work.

He didn’t even hear her slide up behind him until she was right there there next to him. Before he could think, she slid her arm around his waist, dipping her hand into his pocket to try and stay warm.

He froze. She frowned.

Very carefully, she pulled her hand out, the tiny black box sitting in her palm. She stared at it.

“What?” she whispered.

She looked up at him, waiting for him to answer.

And then it hit him. 

He smiled, reached out and took the box from her, popped it open.

Her hands flew to her mouth, her eyes instantly filled with tears.

“I wanted this to be perfect,” he told her. “I had the perfect setting all planned, and nothing has gone at all the way I wanted. But you know what, Addie? It doesn’t matter. Because I have the perfect girl, and she loves me, and I love her.”

Then, despite the rocking of the boat, Derek took a deep breath, bent down on one knee and reached for Addison’s hand.

“Addison Adrienne Forbes Montgomery,” he said, “Will you marry me?”

He had never seen her face light up like it did in that instant, even with the tears streaming down her cheeks.

“Yes,” she whispered. “Yes! Oh, God, yes.”

And then she threw herself into his arms, kissing him as hard as she could, telling him with her actions everything he could ever possibly need to know.

**Day 4: San Antonio, Texas**

She was at breakfast long before they got there. Derek found her perched in a corner table, a coffee cup in front of her, remnants of a muffin lying on a plate. She had the crossword puzzle in her hand, but she didn’t seem to actually be doing anything more than looking at it.

“Hey,” Derek said tentatively as he approached her. He gestured to the chair opposite her. “Do you mind?”

She shook her head.

“Are you okay?” he asked. She shrugged.

“I’m sorry, Addison,” he said.

“For divorcing your wife?” Her tone came out more bitter than she intended.

“For hurting you,” he clarified.

She shrugged again. “It doesn’t matter. It’s over.”

She picked her crossword puzzle back up, put it in front of her nose. Derek let her be and concentrated on eating his breakfast. He wasn’t really sure what to say to her to make anything better.

A few minutes later, she placed it down on the table.

“Do you remember when you proposed to me?” she said.

Derek looked up in surprise. “Of course I do,” he whispered. 

“Did you ever think it was a sign?”

He frowned. “What do you mean?”

He waited while she refilled her coffee mug from the canister on the table. She stirred in a packet of sugar, her lips pursed, her brow furrowed.

Finally, she took a sip and then placed it down in front of her.

“I mean,” she said softly, “did you ever think that maybe the reason it all went so wrong was because it wasn’t supposed to happen?”

“Addison …”

“Well, did you?”

He frowned. “You want me to be honest?”

“I wouldn’t have asked you if I didn’t.”

“Sure,” he said. “For a moment, I did. I thought maybe the universe was trying to tell me something. It’s why I went outside when I did. I wasn’t going to do it. But Addie …”

He reached out then, placing his hand over top of hers.

“Then you came out, and you put your hand in my pocket, and you saw the ring box, and all of a sudden, it didn’t matter that it wasn’t the perfect proposal. Because it was perfect. To me.”

Addison rolled her eyes.

“You’re so romantic, Derek,” she said.

“I’m being serious,” he told her. “It might not have been how I imagined it, but I got you.”

“But then years later, you went out of your way to give Meredith a dream proposal in an elevator full of photos.”

Derek frowned.

“Mark told me,” she said. “He tells me a lot.”

“He tells you too much.”

She shrugged.

“Why are you asking me all this, Addison?” he said. “Because you think the way I proposed to Meredith means I loved her more than you?”

“Did you?”

“No.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Then why are you asking me if you’re not going to believe what I tell you?”

She shrugged again, took another sip of coffee.

“The day you proposed to me,” she said, “I thought we were going to live happily ever after. That I was finally getting my fairytale. That something good was finally happening to me.”

“I wanted us to have a happy ending,” he said softly.

“It doesn’t matter. It’s too late now.”

He cocked his head. He still wasn’t quite sure where her head was that she was asking him all this, but he was beginning to see some sort of picture take place.

“It’s not too late,” he said. “You can still have a happy ending, Addison.”

She arched an eyebrow. “Don’t be cheesy, Derek,” she said. “Life doesn’t work that way. _My_ life doesn’t work that way.”

“Ad-”

But he was interrupting by the approach of Mark.

“So where are we off to today, everyone?” he said, pulling up a chair. Neither of them answered.

“Well, aren’t you two lively,” he said. “This is giving me flashbacks of a lot of drives to the Hamptons made in stony silence. Mostly because Derek forgot to pack something.”

Addison pushed back her chair.

“I’ll see you guys by the car,” she said. She practically flew out of the room.

Mark looked at Derek. “I’m guessing I said something wrong.”

Derek pinched the bridge of his nose. “You mentioned us being married. I think she’s … Actually, I don’t know what she is. I really don’t.”

“Well,” Mark said, helping himself to coffee. “That’s Addison for you.”

•••

In the end they decided to head to San Antonio. Because it was close and it was on the way to New Orleans and none of them felt like being in a car with each other for longer than was absolutely necessary.

Addison sat in front as Mark drove, but she didn’t say anything. Whatever it was that was bothering her, she wasn’t going to clue them in to it.

They found a hotel with a large enough suite for all three of them. Addison didn’t look too happy about it, but Derek and Mark didn’t give her much choice. They had decided during a stop to get gas when Addison had disappeared to go buy a bottle of water that it was better for them to all be together so they could keep an eye on her, no matter how much she protested that decision.

Addison, for her part, had seemingly decided somewhere along the way that she was going to deal with her problems by getting drunk. 

And she was doing a magnificent job.

Two straight gin martinis before dinner and three during a dinner that Mark and Derek weren’t even sure she’d actually eaten — every time they looked at her, she had barely seemed to be doing anything more than shifting food around her plate with her fork — and she was already stumbling. Mark had to loop an arm around her waist to keep her from falling into the river part of the San Antonio Riverwalk.

“Maybe we should go back to the hotel,” Derek suggested, and Mark nodded, though he looked a little put out.

“What?” Derek said to him as they began walking in the proper direction.

“Nothing,” Mark said. “I was just thinking this has been quite possibly the worst road trip in existence.”

Addison, who they thought wasn’t listening, yanked her arm free of Mark’s and stumbled, barely avoiding falling.

“So it’s my fault?” she snapped, her voice echoing loudly.

Mark looked taken aback. “I never said …. No. It’s not … Why would you …?”

He stared at her. She looked furious. Her eyes were flashing, and her fists were clenched. 

“Well,” she practically shrieked at him. “I’m sure you weren’t referring to _Derek_ as the one who’s been causing you to have such a miserable time!”

“Addison …”

“I didn’t ask you to come!” she raged. “I told you no, and you came anyway. I don’t want you here!”

She whirled around, but her heel caught on a crack on the sidewalk, and instead of taking a step, she tumbled forward.

Derek caught her, but not before her knee his the ground.

She let out a yelp of pain.

Derek could see she was seconds away from a meltdown. Her eyes were filled with tears and her lower lip was trembling, the way it does when she’s upset.

He checked her over, but besides a bruise she probably gave herself, she seemed fine.

He hoisted her upright.

“Come on, Addison,” he said. “I got you.”

She glared at Mark. “I hate you,” she told him, but she let Derek lead her back.

•••

An icepack and another martini later, she seemed fine. Tired, but fine. She wasn’t crying and she wasn’t yelling.

Mark decided to risk it and took a seat next to her on the couch.

“I’m sorry,” he said to her. “I didn’t mean to make you feel like I think any of this is your fault. I apologize.”

Addison swallowed the rest of her drink, then held out her glass to Derek, who was just getting up to refill his own. Mark handed him his as well.

Addison turned back to Mark.

“It is my fault,” she said.

“No,” he said. “It isn’t. You were right, what you said. You didn’t want us to come. We barged in. We can’t get mad at you for not making this something you never intended to make it.”

Addison tilted her head to the side, looking at him. She seemed to be contemplating something.

Finally she spoke. “Did we used to be happy?” she asked.

“We, as in,” Mark gestured, “the three of us?”

She nodded. Derek reappeared and handed her a new martini. He handed Mark a refilled scotch.

“Yes,” she said to Mark. “Were we happy?”

“I think we were very happy,” he said.

“Because I can’t remember being happy. Ever.”

Addison looked down at her drink. Her shoulders slumped. 

“I don’t remember what it was like before it didn’t hurt,” she whispered. “And it hurts. All the time. It hurts now. Being with you both. It hurts. It hurts so much.”

She looked up at Mark as a tear broke loose, making it’s way down her cheek. He lifted his hand, pressing the back of his fingers to her check, catching the tiny droplet of moisture as it fell. 

“I know it does,” he told her. “But it will get better, Addie. It will.”

Addison just shook her head. “I don’t think it will,” she whispered, and took another sip of her drink.

Mark sighed and put his arm around her, drawing her in. He kissed the crown of her head.

“I promise it will, Addie,” he said, but she didn’t answer. She just concentrated on her drink.

Eventually, she fell asleep, her head still resting on Mark’s shoulder. Derek lifted her up, carried her to bed.

He watched her for a few minutes after he tucked her in, studied the rise and fall of her chest as she breathed in and out, the little O her mouth formed, the way she tucked her hands under her chin and curled herself into a little ball.

He wished there was a way to make her see that she could be happy again someday, but if there was a way, he didn’t know what it was.


	5. Chapter 5

__

  
**[18 years earlier]**   


She was the most beautiful creature he had ever seen, her red hair straight and shiny, hanging down her back. The way the gown set off her shoulders and gave just a hint of cleavage. The white silk skirt that billowed out in a circle. But most of all, the smile on her face and the way that she was looking at him.

“I love you so much,” he whispered to her, moving close to her and brushing a few strands of hair away.

She smiled even wider, if that were possible.

“Thank you for today,” she whispered. “It was wonderful.”

“Your mother planned it.”

“Not your song,” she said. “You did that for me.”

“I did,” he said, then laughed. “I think your mother was horrified.”

“She needs to be every once in a while,” she said. “It’s good for her.”

“I can’t believe you’re really my wife.” He picked up her left hand and looked down at her ring finger, at the plain gold ring that was nestled there.

“I can’t believe you’re finally my husband,” she said.

“I love you,” he said.

“I love you.”

He leaned in and kissed her, not hard, not soft, but as sweet and as loving as he could. His hands found the zipper of her dress and he began to pull it down.

“Don’t rip my dress,” she whispered against his lips. “You don’t want to know what it cost.”

“It’s not like you’re going to be wearing it again,” he answered, giving a final tug.

The gown fell from her body to the floor, mounds of while silk piling at her feet.

He leaned over and lifted her up, away from the piles of cloth, carrying her over to the bed.

“You’re beautiful,” he told her as he went to work pulling the rest of her clothes off her body.

“You’re just saying that because I’m lying naked on your bed.”

“I’m just saying that because you’re my wife.”

“Oh,” she said, as he cupped a hand between her legs. “I guess I can live with that then.”

  
**[Day 4: New Orleans]**  


A smack to the head was Derek’s signal to enter the world of the living the next morning. He cracked open an eye to see a colorful strand of beads lying next to him.

“New Orleans, baby!” Mark crowed from somewhere off to the foot of the bed.

“And you’re starting are trip off by throwing things at me?”

“Beads, Derek, beads. What else do they throw in New Orleans?”

Derek didn’t have a chance to answer as Mark had already scampered off, presumably to go wake up Addison. He just hoped he didn’t throw beads at her head. He had a feeling it might not go over well.

“We are going to have fun whether you two like it or not,” Mark told them as they packed up the car for what already seemed like the upteenth stop on this journey. 

“Is that a threat?” Addison asked.

“A promise, Red, it’s a promise.”

Apparently it was a promise Mark fully intended on keeping. He didn’t give them any time to argue once they had arrived in New Orleans and checked in to their room.

“Get changed,” he told them. “You have ten minutes.” Then added, “And if you’re not ready in ten minutes, Addison, I’m dragging you out in whatever condition you are in.”

She slammed the bathroom door in response, but twenty minutes later she was ready.

“Are we really going to Bourbon Street?” Addison asked as they walked. They could see why she might not want to. Her designer jeans, silk shirt and five-inch heels weren’t exactly what all the other people were wearing.

“I told you not to wear those,” Mark said, pointing to her shoes. “Especially since you almost fell on your head yesterday.”

“I did not,” she protested.

“Well, then,” Mark said. “That bruise on your knee that you’re hiding with those jeans proves otherwise.”

Addison huffed, but she didn’t argue. Mark smirked.  
She still looked slightly appalled by the whole thing, but a few drinks later, and her hand full of beads — “I picked them up off the ground!” she screeched when Mark had laughed at her — the men thought they could detect a slight smile.

At the very least, she seemed more relaxed than she had since they had left Los Angeles, and that could only be considered a good thing.

But she also, they noticed, looked really tired. Not that they were surprised. None of them had really slept much, and long car rides, and countless emotional breakdowns, can wear on a person.

“Let’s go back,” Mark finally suggested. They had stopped for a drink, and Addison had her head propped up on her hand. She looked like she was going to fall over at any second. “We’ll be here tomorrow anyway.”

“We’re staying for two nights?” Derek said.

“Oh, yes, we are,” Mark gloated.

The men hauled Addison to her feet, and the three of them headed back.

“I’m not going to say this was _fun_ ,” Addison said as Mark held open the door to the hotel for his two friends. “But it wasn’t horrible.”

She turned back to smirk at him, but then froze.

“Oh,” she whispered, and both Derek and Mark saw her face drain completely of color.

They followed her gaze.

On the other side of the lobby, a man and a woman seemed to be checking in. In her arms, the woman was cradling a newborn baby.

With a jolt, Derek realized Addison’s baby would have been a month old if she hadn’t miscarried.

“Addison,” he whispered gently. He reached out and touched her arm, but she didn’t seem to notice. 

She was beginning to shake and her breath was coming out faster.

“Addison,” he said again, and this time he moved in front of her, blocking her sight of the woman with the baby.

She blinked, but it was too late. She pressed her hand to her mouth to choke back a sob, then fell forward into Derek’s arms.

“Come on,” Derek whispered. “Just hang on, sweetheart. Let’s get you out of here.”

With Mark’s help, they managed to walk her toward the elevators. Luckily no one else was on, so Derek finally just lifted Addison into his arms.

By now she was full-fledged crying, and the only thing Derek wanted to do was get her back to their room.

The doors to the elevator finally glided open on their floor, and Mark and Derek, with Addison in his arms, made their way down the hall.

Derek laid her on the couch, his hand stroking her hair, rubbing her arm, trying to soothe her. Mark went to get her something to drink.

“It’s okay, Addie,” Derek kept whispering to her. “It’s okay.”

Finally her tears subsided, and she sniffled, looking embarrassed. She reached up to rub her eyes.

“I’m sorry,” she murmured.

“You don’t have to be.”

“Yes, I do,” she said. “That was undignified.”

“It happens.”

“It shouldn’t have.”

“Addie, you need to give yourself a break.” Derek paused. “Do you think maybe it’s time you talked about it?”

“No!” She shot bolt upright on the couch at the suggestion.

Derek quickly held his hands up, palms out.

“Okay,” he said. “It was just a suggestion. I was thinking it might help you to be able to talk about it.”

“I don’t want to.”

“We won’t judge.”

“I don’t want to.”

“You might not want to, but it might help.”

“Can we just go outside?” She gestured over her shoulder to the balcony. “Please? I need some fresh air.”

“Of course,” Derek said, and he dropped the subject of the baby.

Once outside, Addison was quiet. She kept drumming her fingers on the table, and Derek knew she was contemplating something.

It was a long time before she spoke.

“I wanted that baby so bad.” 

Her voice was so quiet, both Derek and Mark at first thought they had imagined it. They looked up. Addison was staring past them both, to a point behind them that only she could see. 

She put the martini to her lips, not to drink it but to stop the tears she could feel building up behind her eyes.

Derek reached for the hand she had lying on the table between them.

“I know you did,” he said softly. “And I’m so sorry, Addison. I’m so sorry.”

“He didn’t even care,” she whispered. “When it happened, he didn’t even care.”

She hadn’t spoken those words before. She had thought that keeping it all inside would make it better, would make it easier. That is what Forbes Montgomeries do after all. It’s about the façade, it always is.

But as she spoke the words and looked up to meet Derek’s eyes, she knew he and Mark were right. Maybe she _did_ need to talk about.

“I’m sure he cared about _you_ ,” Mark said gently. His fingers were grazing over her thigh.

She shook her head. “He never even came to see me. When I was in the hospital. He never came.”

Derek squeezed her hand. “We would have come.”

“I know,” she said as tears sprung to her eyes. “I should have told you.”

“No,” Derek shook his head. “You didn’t owe us anything. You had to do what was right for you. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I feel like I did something wrong.”

“What do you mean?” Mark asked gently. His hand on her thigh squeezed her leg gently.

Addison shook her head. “It’s stupid.”

“It’s not stupid if it’s how you feel,” Derek said.

Addison bit her lip. “Sometimes …” she started, then paused to put her drink down and swipe at her eyes. She looked down, following the path of Mark’s fingers on her leg, so she wouldn’t have to look into their eyes.

“Sometimes, I think I deserved it. Losing the baby. For everything that I did.”

Her words hung in the air.

Then Derek let go of her hand and slipped his arm around her shoulders. With his other hand, he took her chin in his hand and turned her head so she was looking into his eyes, even as she tried to divert them from his gaze. She had always felt, since the day she had met him, like he could see into her soul, and this moment was no exception.

“Addison.” His words were firm, but the tone was gentle. “It wasn’t your fault. You know that. You didn’t deserve it. It was not your fault.”

Addison blinked as the tears finally broke free, pouring from her eyes and down her cheeks.

“Then why did it happen?” she choked out. “Why? I can understand miscarriages in the first few weeks. It happens all the time. But it was four months! Four months!”

Derek pulled her into his arms. Her head found the crook in his neck where it used to fit, and she sobbed against him. She could feel him rocking her slightly, and she could sense Mark’s hand still on her leg.

Finally, she pulled back, looking first at Derek and then at Mark, the two men who, four days ago, she had so wished had not come with her but now who she realized were the only ones who could help her.

“I wish things could be like they used to be,” she whispered. “I just want to _feel_ something.”

Later, they weren’t really sure who started it. Mostly Addison just remembered the feel of Derek’s lips on hers, soft and gentle, familiar and warm. She wrapped her arms around his neck, and when he pulled back, she leaned in again, her lips finding his, melting into the feeling. 

She parted her lips and he slipped his tongue inside, his hands dancing down her back, bringing her closer to him.

When they finally drew apart, she stared at him, a little dazed.

“Are you two going to share or do I just have to watch?” Mark asked.

Addison sniffled, then smiled softly, then leaned toward him.

This one was different. It wasn’t soft or gentle. It was deep and hard. Intense. Her hands cupped his face as her teeth nicked at his lips. His hands found her shirt and started to tug it up.

She felt a second pair of hands on her, as both guys lifted her shirt up over her head. She gasped a little as she realized what was happening, but she didn’t do anything to stop it. She didn’t want to do anything to stop. And neither, it seemed, did they. 

They all stood up, all three of them. Mark lifted her into his arms, and she wrapped her legs around him, her tongue still fighting with his, as he carried her into bedroom, Derek close behind them.

Over by the bed, Mark finally pulled away, running his tongue over his lips as he placed her down in the middle of the bed.

She watched as the two men looked at each other, some kind of silent understanding passing between them, then simultaneously knelt down by her feet. Together they reached for the zipper on her jeans, then slid the tight pants down her legs.

When her jeans had been discarded on the floor, they spread her legs a little, then reached for her ankles. She closed her eyes at the sensations of hands massaging her legs, lips kissing her skin, moving their way up her legs from her ankles to her knees to her thighs.

She felt them moving closer to the apex of her legs, but her eyes still flew open in surprise when, at the same time, they each slipped a finger under the edge of her panties.

She made a move — to sit up, to swat at them, she wasn’t sure — but they pushed her back down, each man adding a second finger and rubbing her gently.

She moaned, her hips jerking up slightly at the touch. Their ministrations were getting harder, and faster, and she felt herself getting wet.

Just before she reached the point where she needed them to do something more, Derek’s hand slipped out of her panties. He crawled on to the bed and up her body, his fingers skimming over her warm skin.

He leaned down and met her lips. She wrapped her arms around him and kissed him. His hand slipped under her bra, taking hold of the soft mound of flesh, and palming it gently.

At the same time, Mark pushed her panties to the side, slipping two fingers inside her and finding her clit with his thumb.

She moaned into Derek’s mouth, her hips jerking up. Mark’s other hand held her down.

Derek’s fingers had found her nipple, and he was squeezing it between his fingers. Mark’s fingers were already thrusting in and out of her.

She pulled away from Derek, gasping for air, and Derek took it as a sign to remove her bra. He brought her left breast into his mouth and her right one continued to be pleasured by his hand.

She felt Mark pull his fingers away and she whimpered at the sudden loss of contact down there. But a few seconds later, he was pulling her panties down her legs and spreading her further.

When he touched her again, it was with his tongue, and her whole body arched at the contact. Mark’s hands once again found her waist, and he held her in place.

They were both speeding up the pace now. Derek sucking her breast and tweaking her nipple, Mark’s tongue and teeth grazing over her clit. By the time, Mark slipped three fingers back inside her, she felt like she might explode.

“Faster,” she heard Derek say somewhere in a hazy fog, but she could only cry out as Mark’s fingers plunged in and out of her faster and faster.

The pressure was getting to be too much. She could feel it building in the pit of her stomach. Her fingers were grasping at the sheets, her toes were curling, she was trying to arch her back and push her pelvis further into Mark’s hand and mouth, but Mark’s hand and the weight of the two men on top of her was too much.

She couldn’t move, couldn’t go anywhere.

Then with a twist of Mark’s fingers and a well-timed tweak of her nipple, Addison cried out, as she felt the delicious pleasure of her muscles spasming. The men watched her, her eyes glassy, her mouth parted, as her body trembled beneath them.

Mark kept his fingers inside her, slowing down the pace a little but not removing them, as she came down from her high.

When she could finally speak, she smiled a little loopily at the two men perched above her. It was the first time she had orgasmed since the baby, the first time she had let anyone touch her.

“Thank you,” she whispered, and her words carried more meaning than she could ever express. She had a feeling they understood what she was trying to convey.

“Uh, don’t thank us yet,” Mark said. He wiped his mouth and smirked at her. “We are no where near finished with you yet.”

Addison barely had time to let out an “Oh!” before Mark and Derek had turned her over on to her side.

She tilted her head to watch as both men stood up to shed their own clothes, and her mouth widened as she watched Mark reach out to help Derek undo his jeans and Derek reach out to return the favor for Mark. She stared at them as their pants fell to the floor, and her eyes widened even more as fingers grazed over balls as their boxers followed suit. She wondered if maybe they had done this before, but she didn’t have much time to contemplate it as both Derek and Mark turned their attention back to the naked redhead on the bed between them.

“Front or back?” Mark asked as Derek smirked.

Derek climbed on to the bed, facing Addison, his hand immediately going to her hip and stroking the warm skin. She shivered slightly at his touch as she felt Mark settle behind her, the tip of his penis grazing her ass.

Their hands worked in tandem again, sliding up and down her arm, tracing patterns on her skin. Derek circled his thumb around her belly button, and Mark’s hand explored her ass.

And once more, as though they had planned it, she felt their fingers both slide between her legs at exactly the same time. As their fingers slipped into her, alternating in their thrusts and the ferocity of them, she moaned deeply. She let Derek kiss her first, as Mark’s teeth nipped softly at her neck. Then she turned her head from Derek to catch Mark’s lips, and Derek’s teeth found her collarbone.

Never once did the motions of their hands stop until she was panting for air. Her eyes met both of theirs and she moaned.

“More,” she managed.

She swore she saw them smirk at each other, but she didn’t care. She dug her fingernails into Derek’s arm — the closet available surface — and wriggled her hips as best she could.

“Patience,” Mark whispered in her ear, and he and Derek both removed her hands.

“Get back there!” Addison snapped quickly, instantly letting go of Derek and reaching toward her very warm center. Mark grabbed her wrists.

“No you don’t,” he said, then he turned to Derek.

“Lie back,” he commanded.

Derek grinned, and did what he asked, lying back against the pillows, his legs spread, his penis erect and ready.

Addison gulped softly, as Mark’s hands found her waist.

It took her a second to realize what was going on as he lifted her up, but when he grabbed hold of Derek’s penis to guide his best friend into her, she felt a gush of liquid between her legs.

She gasped as Mark helped push her on to Derek, the sensation of Derek filling her not one she was as used to anymore. After a few seconds she nodded. She felt Mark sit behind her, his penis close to her ass, his hands around her, cupping her breasts. Derek’s hands tightened around her waist.

With the two men helping her ride Derek, lifting her up and down faster than she could go alone, it didn’t take long. Her head fell back against Mark’s shoulder as she cried out, her body trembling long after. 

They didn’t stop, though, and a few seconds later, Derek came, emptying himself inside her. 

She was panting by then, her body slick with sweat and cum. Mark pushed her forward, letting her fall into Derek’s open arms. But she knew what he wanted.

She spread her legs and let Mark enter her from behind.

With Derek’s help, they all began moving again. Derek’s hand found Addison’s clit between them, and as her third orgasm of the night overcame her, Mark finally got his as well.

Once he was finished, he rolled to the side, letting Addison slide off Derek and land between the two of them.

Her eyes were already closed and her breathing had evened out considerably as Derek and Mark managed to pull the blankets up over them all.

“Good night, Addison,” they both whispered, each one dropping a kiss on her cheek.

“Thank you,” she managed to murmur once more before falling into a deep, contented sleep.


	6. Chapter 6

__

**[16 years earlier]**

“Happy anniversary, to my beautiful wife!” Derek held up the glass of champagne, tipping it toward for a toast.

Her glass met his and she smiled.

“Happy anniversary,” she said. “Thank you for dinner.”

“You never have to thank me for taking you to dinner,” he said.

Addison gave a one-shoulder shrug. “But I want to,” she said. “I don’t ever want to take you for granted.”

Derek reached over under the table, and squeezed her knee.

“I love you so much,” he told her.

“I love you.” She put her champagne glass down on the table. “I’ve been thinking,” she said.

Derek cocked his head slightly. “Yes?”

“About what you asked me a couple months ago.”

He scrunched his brow. “Okay,” he said. “You’re going to have to be a little more specific than that, I’m afraid.”

“About wanting to have kids,” Addison clarified. 

“Okay,” he said, and then his eyes widened. “Oh!” He said. “Wait, really?”

Addison nodded, a smile beginning to grow across her face.

“I love you, Derek,” she said. “I want to have a baby with you.”

“And I,” he told her, “want to have a baby with you.”

He was out of seat in an instant, kneeling next to her chair.

“You mean it?” he asked.

“I mean it.”

He kissed, hard and deep.

“I love you,” he whispered. “So, so much. Now let’s go make a baby.”

**[Day 5: New Orleans]**

Mark knew the minute he woke up the next morning that it was over. That it had been the last time he was ever going to have her. Not that he ever really had her all. Once again, he was going to lose this battle.

But he wasn’t surprised, and it turned out the pang of knowing it was over was only a small one. 

He took a few moments to look at them. They were tangled together, both still fast asleep. Addison’s arms were wrapped around Derek’s waist, and her head was on his chest. His hands were tangled in her hair. Their feet were intertwined. 

For the first time in a long time, they both looked peaceful. Happy almost.

Mark sighed softly and adjusted the covers a little, his eyes tracing one last time over Addison’s naked body. Over her supple breasts and her long limbs. She wasn’t his to touch anymore, but he wanted to keep the memory of her intact as long as he could.

She found him on the balcony an hour later. She’d put a robe on, but her hair was completely messed up.

She smiled at him and took a seat next to him. He handed her a cup of coffee.

“You’re up early,” she said.

“How do you feel?” he asked her.

She laughed. “A little sore. Tired.”

“Yeah,” Mark nodded. “Me too.”

The unspoken words seemed to hang in the air between them. He knew that she knew, too.

She reached for his hand, wrapping her fingers around his and squeezing them tightly. 

“I’m sorry,” she whispered.

He turned to her then, a soft smile on his face, looking deep into those bright blue eyes of hers. He could see the remorse, the guilt, but he didn’t want her to feel any of that. Not anymore. She had felt much too much of it lately, and seeing her sad had always been his Achille’s heel.

“You have nothing to be sorry for.”

She crinkled her nose. “But,” she started.

He placed his index fingers over her lips.

“It’s okay, Addison,” he said. “I know you love him. I know you want to be with him.”

Addison shook her head.

“It’s not enough,” she whispered.

It was Mark’s turn to wrinkle his brow. “What are you talking about?”

She took a deep breath, then turned away from him. “It’s been too long. Too much has happened. He found Meredith ..”

“He loves _you_.”

“No, he …”

“Yes. He does. He loves _you_.”

Addison turned back to him. “How do you know?” Her voice was so soft, so innocent, so almost childlike.

Mark sighed. “I know him, Addison. I know him. And I know you. I’ve seen both of you in so many situations. You think we don’t all know each other that way anymore, but you’re wrong. I still know you more than you know yourself. And I know him that way too. You’re both just stubborn. And you’re both scared. He loved Meredith and lost her. You loved Sam and lost him. You both lost children. You think nothing good will ever come again. But you’re in love with him — I think you always have been — and he’s in love with you. You both are just too scared and too stubborn to admit it.”

Mark took a sip of coffee. She was frowning but he knew she was thinking about what he said.

“Just talk to him, Addison,” he sighed. “Don’t throw away your second chance just because you’re scared you’re going to fail.”

She didn’t say anything. He patted her knee.

“What are you thinking?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know if I can take anything else not working out. If I try … if we try ... if it fails ...” She trailed off, her eyes far away and distant. “I don’t know that I’ll make it,” she finished in a whisper.

“Well,” Mark said slowly, “then I guess you need to ask yourself one question.”

“What’s that?”

“You might not want to fail, but is this really the kind of life that you want to lead? Is doing nothing really going to make you any happier?”

He didn’t wait for her to answer. He picked up his coffee cup and headed inside, leaving her staring into the distance.

•••

Mark didn’t get a chance to have the same talk with Derek until much later that evening. They found a bar on a side street and took two of the stools by the long bar.

“I haven’t talked to Addison all day,” Derek said after the bartender handed them their scotch. “I think she’s avoiding me.”

He took a swallow.

“Has she talked to you?”

“This morning,” Mark said, before downing his own drink.

“Hmmmm,” Derek said. “She was sleeping when I got up, and then after I got back from that walk, she was gone.”

“She went shopping,” Mark said.

“She isn’t back yet, though,” Derek said. “Should we be worried?”

“Are you worried?” Mark asked.

Derek shrugged. Mark raised a brow.

“She’s not going to do something, Derek,” Mark said. “I think she just wants to be alone.”

Derek scowled. “I’m not worried she’s going to crawl into bed with someone. I’m just worried about her. I don’t want anything to happen to her.”

“Why?”

“Why?” Derek stared at him aghast. “Why don’t I want something to happen to her? What kind of question is that?”

“That isn’t what I meant.”

“What did you mean then? Because I’m confused by this whole conversation.”

Mark signaled the bartender for another round.

“What I’m saying,” Mark said, turning to Derek, “is that Addison is head over heels in love with you. She’s avoiding you because that’s what she does best when she’s freaked out. And I think you are avoiding her too.”

“How am I avoiding her? I haven’t even seen her.”

Mark shrugged. “Because you’re in a bar with me, instead of wanting to wait for her. And you have a phone. And not once have you tried to call her. Or text her.”

Derek scowled, choosing to ignore Mark for the moment and focusing on the new drink in front of him instead. 

“What am I supposed to say? Call her up and say, ‘Addie, when are you getting back? We need to talk about the threesome.’”

Mark rolled his eyes. “The two of you are so stubborn. Sometimes it’s amazing you managed to get together the first time.”

“Maybe it would have been better if we didn’t,” Derek muttered.

Mark slammed his drink on the bar and turned to his friend. “Really, Derek?” he snapped. “Are you going to sit here and mope and play the victim? You love her. That much is obvious to anyone with eyes. Except apparently her. Which is perfect, because she is in love with you, too, but you can’t see that either.”

Mark turned back to the bartender to indicate he should keep the drinks coming.

“Just talk to her. If you lose her again, you’re an idiot.”

“I don’t deserve her,” Derek said.

“No, you don’t,” Mark agreed. “But she wants you. She always has. So just don’t hurt her again.”

•••

Derek left Mark at the bar, flirting with a woman in a too-short skirt and a too-tight top, with a massive collection of beads that Derek doubted she just picked off the street or bought at a souvenir store.

He was nervous that Addison would be there when he got back, but he was more nervous that she wouldn’t be.

“Addie?” he called when he opened the door.

“Derek? Hey.” She appeared from around a corner. She was in pajamas, her hair piled messily on her hair, a book in her hand.

“You’re back,” he said, plainly stating the obvious.

She smiled. “I went shopping. I found a lot of stuff.”

“I bet you did.”

She shrugged. “I thought you and Mark were out for the night. I found the note you left me.”

“Mark met a woman.”

She smirked.

“Wow,” she said. “That is the first one so far this trip. I think it might be some kind of record.”

Derek smiled. “Yeah, maybe.”

They both drifted into silence, staring awkwardly at each other across the room. Addison shifted uneasily from foot to foot.

“I, um, I think I’ll, um.” Addison waved her book slightly at Derek, trying to indicate what she wanted to say, taking a few steps backward toward her bedroom as she did so.

Derek took a deep breath and plunged in. “I think we need to talk,” he said.

Addison looked uneasy. “I don’t know, Derek,” she said. “I was going to … um …” She trailed off.

Derek walked over to her and grabbed her hand. “We didn’t communicate, Addie. We got busy and we didn’t communicate. We didn’t talk, we didn’t fight. We kissed each other on the cheek and went our separate ways. But that was six years ago. We’re not the same people we were back them. We’re better than that.”

He paused. “We need to talk.”

This time she nodded. “Okay.”

They made their way outside on to the balcony, stopping at the little kitchen to pour themselves some drinks — a scotch for Derek, a gin martini for Addison.

Derek could tell she was nervous as they settled on to the lounge chairs overlooking the city. She was fidgeting, and the glass shook slightly in her hand.

He put his own drink down and reached for her free hand.

“You don’t have to be nervous,” he said.

“I’m not.” She tried to glare, but she knew he could feel her hand trembling slightly in his.

He smiled at her. She laughed uneasily. 

“Okay, maybe I am a little,” she admitted.

“Why?”

“Why?” She shrugged. “I just … last night … it was … and I don’t …” She trailed off, then laughed softly at herself.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

Derek looked at her. Really looked at her. It was dark out, but he could still see all her features in the glow of the soft lights around them. Her eyes were focused on something out in the distance, her red locks gleamed in the moonlight.

She was beautiful. And he knew Mark was right.

He took a deep breath and plunged right in.

“I’m in love with you,” he said.

Addison knocked her drink over, but she didn’t seem to notice. She stared at Derek, her eyes huge.

“I’m in love with you, Addison,” he repeated, then he rubbed her arm. “Breathe, Addie.”

She opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out. She tried again. Finally, on the third try, she found her voice.

“Don’t say that,” she whispered.

“Don’t tell you to breathe?”

“Derek,” she warned.

“Addison,” he said softly. “It’s true. I am in love with you.”

She shook her head, pulling her hand out of his grasp.

“Please don’t say that,” she whispered. He could hear the sound of tears in her voice. “Please don’t.”

“Why not?”

She shook her head again and wrapped her arms around her middle.

“Addison,” he reached for her hand, but she scooted away from him.

“Addison, talk to me.”

She didn’t answer.

“Addison, come on. Talk to me. Can you honestly tell me you don’t love me too?”

Addison didn’t answer.

“Addison!” His voice was harsher than he intended it to be. She jumped a little.

“Please … Addie …”

He watched her struggle for words, Finally, “I can’t love you,” she whispered.

“Why can’t you?”

“Because I can’t get hurt again. I can’t, Derek. I won’t make it.”

She stared at him and he could see the tears in her eyes. His thumbs found their way to her cheeks, brushing the moisture off.

“You won’t get hurt.”

“You don’t know that.”

“No,” he admitted. “I don’t. Not for sure. But I love you. And I’m pretty sure you love me. And we have another chance. A chance we can take together. And not taking it doesn’t mean you’re not going to get hurt. You’re hurting now.”

She bit her lip. “I’m scared.”

“I’m scared, too,” he whispered.

She smiled. “But I do love you.”

She kept her eyes down as she said that, as though she was still afraid to admit it. He reached over and crooked a finger, lifting her chin so she would look at him.

“And I love you,” he said.

He leaned in then, his lips finding hers, taking her into his arms. He felt her respond, her arms wrapping themselves tightly around him.

“Don’t hurt me,” she whispered, as he reached behind her to adjust the lounge chair, pushing her, and it, all the way back. She closed her eyes and tried to quash the butterflies in her stomach as his hands pulled her panties and her pajama bottoms down her legs.

“I’m not going to hurt you,” he whispered back, fumbling for the buttons on his jeans and shoving them down.

As he pushed himself inside her and he felt her arms tighten around his neck, he heard her whisper into his neck, “I want to believe you.”


	7. Chapter 7

__

**[14 years earlier]**

She had been in the bathroom for much too long. Derek knew what that meant. It had been the same thing now for twenty-two months.

He sighed softly. He didn’t know who he felt more bad for — them as a couple or her. She was taking it far worse than he was. He knew she was blaming herself, making it into her own personal failure.

He got up from where he was sitting on the bed and walked over to the bathroom door. He knocked gently.

“Let me in, Addison,” he called. 

“Come on, honey,” he added a few seconds later.

Finally he heard the soft click of the lock, and his hand twisted the handle. The door swung inward and he stepped inside. She was sitting on the lit of the toilet, her elbows on her knees, her forehead propped up in her hands. She didn’t look up when he entered.

The negative pregnancy test lay on the counter, but he didn’t need to see it to know what it said.

He walked over to her and sank to his knees in front of her, clasping her forearms with his hands.

“We’ll keep trying,” he said.

“It’s been almost two years.” Her voice broke on the last word, although her whole sentence was muffled in her hands.

“It doesn’t mean it’s not going to happen, Addie. We just have to go back to the doctor, keep trying.”

“What if I don’t want to try?” Her voice was so soft, so low, he almost wondered if he imagined it. Her words struck him hard in the throat, but her tone kicked him in the gut.

Clasping her arms a little tighter, he pulled her hands down, away from her head. 

“Can you look at me?” he asked.

A curtain of red hair swayed side to side.

“Addison, look at me. I need you to look at me for this.”

She sighed, a soft sound that was mixed in with a small choking noise at the end.

He reached out both hands and took her face in his, not making her look at him but making her feel him. His thumbs swiped her cheeks, hitting the moisture he felt starting to slide down her skin.

“If you don’t want to try anymore, we’ll stop,” he said. 

Now she looked up. Tears were stuck to her lashes.

“But you want kids?” she said.

“So do you. But I can wait. Or we can stop altogether.”

“But …”

He removed his right hand from her cheek, pressed his finger against her lips.

“I do want children, Addison. More than almost anything in the world. But the one thing I want more than children?”

Addison looked at him questioning.

“I want _you_ to be happy. I want you to be okay. You are more important than a child we are yet to have, and if you want to stop, we’ll stop. No questions asked.”

She nodded. “I think I might need to stop for a little while,” she whispered. The tears began to fall then. He pulled her into arms.

“Shhh,” he whispered. “It’s okay. It’s okay.”

**[Day 6: Miami]**

“Soooo,” Mark grinned, staring at his two friends who sat at the breakfast nook sipping on coffee and each picking at plates of eggs, “you two had sex.”

He pulled out a chair and plopped down in front of them.

“Yeah, we did,” Derek said, the same time Addison said, “No, we didn’t.”

Mark raised his brows and waggled them at her a little.

“Oh, I’m sorry, Addison,” he smirked. “Should I have said you ‘made love’ then?”

Addison flushed. “Shut up,” she said. “Fine, we had sex. Happy?”

“Probably not as happy as you were.”

Addison shot him a glare, but her face looked a bit redder than it had a second before.

“So you’re back together then?” Mark said, turning back to Derek.

Derek looked at Addison. “I don’t know. Addie?” he said.

Addison stood up. “Come on,” she said. “We’re supposed to be hitting the road. Get dressed, get packed and let’s go.”

With that, she flounced out of the room. Derek shrugged and looked at Mark.

“I think she’s scared,” he said.

“No shit,” Mark said. “Can you blame her?”

Derek shrugged again. “Not really.”

“If you want her, Derek, fight for her. She needs to know you won’t give up on her.”

•••

They shook Addison awake as they pulled up in front of the hotel.

“We’re here?” she asked groggily, blinking her eyes and trying to rub sleep from her eyes.

“Yeah, we’re here,” Mark said. “Come on.”

“What time is it?”

“Almost three.”

“In the morning?” she asked, still rubbing her eyes.

“Yes, Addie. In the morning.” He smiled at her and helped her out of the car, both of them following Derek into the hotel to check in.

Their room was huge, the most spacious one so far. Addison didn’t seem to notice, though. She was leaning heavily against Derek, her eyes drooping, looking like she was about to fall over.

Both men helped her into one of the bedrooms, sitting her down on the bed.

“Addison, where are your pajamas?” Derek asked her, but she didn’t answer. She’d already toppled over on to the pillow.

Mark frowned and reached out a hand to feel her forehead. “Derek,” he said. “She feels kind of warm.”

Derek looked up, abandoning his search for her pajamas and headed over to his friends. He, too, placed the back of his hand against her forehead. 

“Yeah,” he softly. “She does.”

“Well, maybe it’s just the stress of everything catching up to her. Let me go grab her pajamas. I think she had them in the red suitcase.”

As Mark headed off in search of Addison’s pajamas, Derek shook her slightly. “Addie, wake up,” he said softly. “Let’s get you changed.”

Addison’s eyes fluttered, but they didn’t open. Derek sighed and hosted her up into a sitting position, trying carefully to get her clothes off while she breathed deeply against his chest.

Mark returned a few seconds later, and together they managed to get her into her pajamas and tuck her in.

“Hopefully, it’s nothing,” Mark said.

“Yeah. Hopefully.”

•••

Her soft breathe on his face woke him before the feel of her fingers grazing his shoulder.

“Addison?” he whispered into the dark. He couldn’t see her in the darkness, but he felt her next to him.

“Hi,” she whispered.

“Are you okay? Do you feel okay?

He thought she shook her head, but he couldn’t see her to be sure.

“Can I …” she stumbled over her words. “Do you mind … would it be okay …?”

“Do you want to stay in here with me?” he asked.

He had a feeling she nodded.

“Come on,” he whispered and scooted over in the bed. She slid in next to him, but he could sense that she was tense.

“It’s okay, Addison.”

“I don’t want to get you sick.”

“I don’t care.”

He heard the release of breath, and then she edged closer to him. He snaked an arm around her and pulled her even closer to his side. Her head found the spot on his chest that he always considered to be “her spot.” Her arm wrapped around his waist, and he kissed her on the forehead.

“Go to sleep, Addie,” he whispered. “I’ve got you.”


	8. Chapter 8

__

**[12 years earlier]**

“Derek! Derek!” Mark came rushing into the attendings locker room, panting slightly, his face flushed. “I’ve been looking for you!”

“I was in surgery.”

“It’s Addison!”

Derek’s heart thumped in his chest. He had a bad feeling.

He had had a feeling something was wrong. Addison, who never got sick, had been throwing up non-stop for a week. She was pale and tired, and a couple days back she even voluntarily stayed home from work — something he had never her seen her do since he had met her. This was the girl who stumbled into class one morning with a 103 degree fever and argued with the professor that she was fine after she passed out during the lecture.

“What happened?”

Mark shook his head. “It’s not good. You should go.”

“Where is she?”

“Third-floor lounge.”

That was all Derek needed, rushing past Mark and to the elevators. He cringed when he saw the people waiting and the light indicating it was still down on the ground floor. He took the stairs instead.

“Addison!” he called as he ran into the lounge, his heart beating wildly in his chest.

What he saw made him skid to a fault.

She was sitting on the couch, but she wasn’t sick. Far from it. She was beaming. A bouquet of blue and pink flowers surrounded her and a sign hung from the ceiling: _Happy Father’s Day._

It took a few moments to sink it. He stared at her in disbelief.

“You’re kidding,” he finally managed.

She stood up and walked toward him, placing something in his hand. A chart.

He read it. He knew what it meant.

“You’re really pregnant.” He barely dared say it out loud.

“I’m really pregnant.”

She grinned. He whopped, lifting her up and spinning her around.

“You’re pregnant!” he cried.

“I am.”

“We’re going to have a baby.”

“We’re going to have a baby.”

**[Day 7: Miami]**

Addison did indeed have a fever. She was also achy and nauseous. And grumpy. Severely grumpy.

“I am not supposed to be sick,” she scowled in the morning after the thermometer confirmed her temperature was 102. “It’s not fair. We’re supposed to go to beach. Isn’t that why we took this stupid drive in the first place?”

She crossed her arms over her chest and glared at the room, flopping back against the pillows, scowling even more.

“She’s all yours, man,” Mark said, handing Derek the bag full of medicine he’d picked up from the corner store. “Have fun.”

And then he was out the door, off to who knows where. Addison’s frown deepened.

“I hate my life,” she muttered.

Derek smiled at her.

“Come on,” he said. “At least you should lie on the couch and watch cheesy movies. And I think Mark brought you some ginger ale.”

Addison pursed her lips. 

“Aren’t you going to head out too?”

Derek reached for her hand to help tug her into a sitting position. “I’m staying with you, Addison.”

“Derek …”

“There isn’t anyplace else I’d rather be. Come on.” He tugged her to her feet, but the second she let go of his hand, she swayed.

“Whoa.” Derek’s hands grabbed her before she could fall. “Okay, I got you,” he said and lifted her into his arms.

“I _hate_ being sick,” Addison whined as he carried her out into the other room, placing her down on the couch and covering her with blankets. “I really, really hate it. And I’m cold, Derek. And I’m sweating. And I just …”

Tears glistened in her eyes. Derek reached out to stop the tears with the pads of his thumbs.

“I know,” he softly. “I know. But I’m going to take care of you, and you’re going to get better. And we’re going to finish our trip. Okay?”

She nodded. “I still hate this.”

“I know. But why don’t you close your eyes and try to sleep, all right? I’m not going anywhere.”

Addison nodded. “All right,” she moaned before closing her eyes.

•••

Eight hours later, there was still no sign of Mark. Addison was wrapped in Derek’s arms on the couch, some romantic comedy she wasn’t watching playing on the television. Derek could feel her shivering against him, though the heat from her skin was making him sweat. He tucked the blanket tighter around her.

“We could take you to a doctor, you know,” he said quietly.

“No,” she answered. He could hear her teeth chattering. “I’ll be fine.”

He tightened the blanket around her, but five minutes later, he had a new idea.

“I’ll be right back,” he told her, as he let go of her and sat up, being careful not to jostle her. “Let’s see if a hot bath will help warm you up.”

“Derek, I don’t ...”

“I’ll be right back.”

He waited until the tub was almost full of the hot and steamy water before he went to get her. She was still feeling dizzy, so he carried her carefully into the bathroom and sat her down at the edge of the tub.

He reached for the bottom of her t-shirt and carefully slid it over her head.

He watched as her cheeks flushed a little, and he smiled at her.

“Addison,” he said. “It’s not like I haven’t seen you naked before.”

She met his eyes and then quickly looked away.

“Addie?”

“What are we doing, Derek?” She kept looking away from him.

“What do you mean?”

“You. Me. This. What are we doing?”

He frowned at her. “I thought we established that the other night.”

She finally turned her head to look at him. “I don’t think we did.”

“Oh … kay.” He cocked his head to the side. “Then what do you want this to be?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?”

“I don’t know.” She shrugged again, and this time her eyes flooded with tears.

“Addison …”

“I don’t want to get hurt.” Her voice trembled, but he knew by her tone, she was deadly serious.

“I can understand that,” he said.

“I can’t get hurt again, Derek.”

“You think I’m going to hurt you?”

“You left me!” Her voice exploded in the quiet bathroom. The tears that were filling her eyes burst free and streamed down her cheeks. “You left me! You stopped loving me! You ignored me! And you picked someone else over me!”

Derek was quiet for a second. 

“You don’t trust me.” It wasn’t a question.

“I don’t trust anyone,” she said. “I don’t even trust _me_. Everybody leaves me. I push them, and they leave me!”

“Addison …”

“Don’t placate me.” Her voice was harsh. “It’s true. You, Mark, Kevin, Sam. My parents. Everyone. I can’t go through that again.”

“I don’t want to hurt you, Addison,” Derek whispered. He wanted to reach out and hold her, but he kept his hands at his side. “I love you.”

“I don’t know how to believe you.”

“You said the other day you believed me.”

“I said I _wanted_ to believe you.”

“But you don’t.”

“What happened with Meredith?”

“What?”

“You’re not divorced.”

“We will be soon.”

“Is that it?” She reached up to wipe her nose with the back of her hand, but the tears were still gushing down her cheeks. “Am I just your rebound? Because I’m safe and familiar?”

“You’re not a rebound.”

“How do you know? How can you be sure? Before last week, I hadn’t seen you in a year! We barely even talked. You didn’t know about the baby. Or Sam. I didn’t know about Meredith and Zola. But now, after a week, you know you want to be with me? How do you know? How can you be sure?”

“Addie,” he said gently. “No one can be sure.”

“I can!” She was yelling now. “I can be sure! I’ve been sure since the day I met you. I always knew. You were _always_ the one. Even when I was with Mark or Sam or anyone else, it was you. It was always you! It’s always been you. Always, always, always.”

With that, she clasped her hands over her eyes and slid off the edge of the tub to sink on to her knees, her sobs echoing off the tile surrounding them.

He didn’t hesitate this time. He pulled her into his arms, pressing her to him, rocking her gently, one hand in her hair, the other rubbing her naked back.

He didn’t know what to say, so he just held her, murmuring what he hoped were soothing sounds into her hair.

For a while her sobs got louder, harder, until finally they began to subside. He didn’t let go of her once, even when she pressed the side of her cheek against his face and sighed.

He took his hand off her back and tried to wipe some of her tears away.

“You’re not a rebound, Addison,” he told her gently. “I wouldn’t be here if you were. But I know you don’t believe me, and you don’t trust me, and you don’t have any reason to. I know I hurt you — I know a lot of people have hurt you — but I’m here now. And I do love you. And I do want to be with you. And I am willing to wait for you. As long as it takes. We don’t have to be together right now. You don’t have to be my girlfriend. We can do as little or as much as you want. And we can see how it goes.”

“I want to believe you so much,” she whispered, her voice heavy with tears. “I just really want to believe you.”

“I know you do. But it’s okay if you don’t.”

She shifted in his arms so she was eye level with him. “Maybe we can see …. how it goes. How the rest of this goes. And when we get … when we get to New York … when we go … when we go back there, maybe we can see how it is? And if it’s … if you want … maybe we can be together then?”

Derek nodded. “That sounds good.”

She sucked in a mouth full of air and he could see her shoulders drop slightly. “Okay,” she said.

“And until then?” he asked. “What do you want? You want to go hang with Mark and pick up slutty guys at the bars?”

She laughed at that. “No,” she said, but she was smiling. “You can be my slutty guy. We can be friends. With a lot of benefits.”

He grinned at her. “I am strangely okay with that.”

He glanced down at her then, sitting half-naked in his lap.

“I think your bath water is cold by now.”

She reached up and traced a finger on his chest. There was a mischievous glint in her eye.

“I can think of other ways to get warm.”

He frowned at her. “I’m not having sex with you. You have the flu.”

“I didn’t say you needed to have it _with_ me.”

Derek laughed. “Oh, I see how this works!” Then he turned serious. “But really, Addison. You couldn’t stand on your own an hour ago.”

She shrugged. “So, I’m feeling better now.”

“Get in the tub, Addie. We can have benefits later.”

She scowled, but reached down to untie her the string to her pajamas. “Then I’ll just have to benefit myself.”

•••

Addison was right that she was feeling better. That night when he tucked her into bed, the thermometer revealed her fever was almost gone.

“Just a twenty-four thing then,” Derek said. “That’s good.”

“Yeah,” Addison said. “I would have been grumpy if I didn’t get to go to the beach.”

“Because you totally weren’t grumpy today?” Derek teased. 

“Shut up. I was sick.”

He laughed at her. She smacked him with a pillow.

He paused, growing serious. 

“I do love you,” he said.

Addison’s smile faded. “Derek,” she said. 

“I know,” he said. “I’m trying to respect your decision. It’s just hard.”

“I know you are. I’m sorry.”

“Stop being sorry. You don’t have to be sorry.”

She shrugged. “Will you take me to the beach tomorrow?” she asked.

He smiled. “I would be honored to.”

“Good,” she said. “I want to make all the other girls jealous.”

He leaned over and kissed her forehead.

“I’ll see you in the morning,” he told her.

“You’re leaving me?”

“You want me to stay?”

“You promised me benefits.”

Derek smirked. “Woman, we are not having sex. You still have a slight fever.”

“Derekkkkkk.”

“Addisonnnn,” he mocked.

“Will you at least cuddle with me then?”

“If you insist.”

“I insist.”


	9. Chapter 9

__

**[12 years earlier]**

“So I was thinking pink and brown if it’s a girl and dark blue and green if it’s a boy.”

Addison looked up from her paint swatches, holding out her samples to Derek.

“You really want pink?” he asked her.

“You don’t.”

“You always told me if we had a girl you didn’t want everything she owned to be pink.”

She chewed on her lip. “Hmmmmm,” she murmured, flipping through the swathes again. “Maybe purple would be better.”

Derek chuckled. “Addison, you’re only ten weeks along. We have a lot of time to worry about this. We won’t even know the sex for two months.”

She frowned at him. “There is a _lot_ to do before a baby comes,” she said.

“You think I don’t know that?” he chided. “How many nieces and nephews have I been witness to? And all my sisters, the definition of not prepared.”

“Exactly,” Addison said. “I don’t want to be like that. I want to be ready.”

“I don’t think you have to worry about not being prepared,” he said, glancing around. Besides her paint swatches, a pile of baby magazines and books surrounded her, and notepads and notecards as well. “Maybe overprepared.”

Addison frowned. “There is no such thing.”

Derek laughed. 

Addison swatted him. “I deliver babies every day of my life!” she scowled. “I’ve seen what happens when parents aren’t prepared.”

Derek was chuckling. “I know, honey,” he said. “I just …”

“You just what?”

“I just want to make sure you’re enjoying all this.”

Addison’s features relaxed. A grin broke out across her face.

“Don’t worry,” she said. “This is the happiest I’ve ever been.”

Once she was sure he believed her, she turned back to her paint swatches. “So, purple if it’s a girl?”

**[Day 8: Miami]**

It was the perfect weather for the beach. Sunny but with a breeze, not a cloud in sight.

Addison told him she was one hundred percent feeling better. He wasn’t sure if he believed that, but he forced her to let him take her temperature and her fever was gone. 

They ordered room service and ate breakfast on their balcony, along with Mark, then as Mark went off to spend time with the woman he had met the night before, Derek and Addison walked to the beach.

He held her hand as they walked, and it felt comfortable, normal. He knew he had promised her they wouldn’t rush into anything, and he was trying to respect her wishes. 

Addison was quiet most of the way to the beach. Derek understood immediately why and began to question that maybe this hadn’t been a good decision after all. There were children everywhere, of all ages, from babies to toddlers to young kids chasing each other into the water.

“We don’t have to stay here,” he told her as they searched for some place to lay down their towels.

She shrugged. “I can’t hide from children all my life,” she said. “I am an obstetrician, you know.”

“But this isn’t work, Addie, it’s vacation.”

“I’m okay, Derek. Really. I’m fine.”

But it was soon clear she wasn’t. She held her book in front of her, pretending to read, but Derek noticed she never once took her eyes off all the kids. She didn’t cry or otherwise indicate she was upset, but he could tell by the look in her eyes that she was sad and hurting.

Finally, he couldn’t stand it anymore.

He nudged her in the side. “Come take a walk with me?” He stood up and held out his hand to her. He could tell she didn’t really want to say yes, but she did it anyway.

The beach looked less crowded off to the right, so that was the direction they headed in.

They walked along the shore, their feet in the water. After awhile, she began to smile, kicking the water up at Derek as they walked, giggling when he splashed her back.

“Remember the time Mark dragged you kicking and screaming into the ocean and dumped you into it? And then you chased him until you caught him?”

Addison laughed. “That time?” she said. “That was pretty much every time we went to the Hamptons.”

“Exactly,” Derek said and laughed with her.

The decided to sit for a while a few miles down the beach from were they had started. It was all white sandy powder and no one around.

She leaned against him, and he held her hand as they watched the waves roar in and out.

“Do you ever wonder what it would be like,” she asked suddenly, “if the baby had lived. Our baby, I mean.”

Derek took a deep breath, debating how to answer. He decided on honesty.

“Sometimes,” he said.

“Do you think it would have been different?” She was playing with the sand, drawing her index finger around and around. “Not just different in that we had a child, but would we have been different? Would we have survived?”

Derek didn’t answer for a long time. “I really don’t know, Addison,” he said. “It paints a pretty picture to think so, but I don’t know if that’s true.”

“I think it would have,” she said. “That’s what started it.”

“It wasn’t just about the baby,” Derek said.

“But it started it,” she repeated. She twisted around so she could look at him.

“I’m really sorry,” she said.

“For what?”

“The baby,” she said softly. She dropped her eyes and began drawing in the sand again, anything not to look at him. “It was my fault.”

“No, it wasn’t. Addison.” Derek reached over and placed his hand on top of hers, stopping her from distracting herself with her sand art. “That wasn’t your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

She shrugged. “I always thought you thought I did.”

Derek shook his head. “No,” he whispered. “I … back then … I reacted horribly, made a lot of wrong decisions, but I never … What happened wasn’t your fault. And I never should have made you think, for even a second, that I thought it was. I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to be sorry,” she said. “It doesn’t matter now anyway. It’s too late.”

And Derek sensed the subject had changed, this time to a different baby, but a similar fate.

“It’s not too late,” he said softly. “You can still be a mom.”

She shook her head. “The doctor, he said I can’t. It’s too late.”

“There are other ways, Addison,” Derek tells her. “You don’t have to give up. You’d be a wonderful mother.”

But she was still shaking her head. “I don’t know about that,” she said. “Sometimes I think it all happened for a reason. I don’t think I’m meant to be a mother.”

“I think you are,” he said. “I can’t imagine anyone being a more perfect mother than you.”

“Than why am I not?” she asked as her eyes flooded with tears. “Why am I not? I loved them. I loved them both _so much_. I would have loved them forever. Why am I not?”

Then she was crying again. He put his arms around her and tugged her close to him, stroking her hair but letting her cry. Even though they’d been talking about it in bits and pieces, he knew she needed to let it all out.

He listened as she sobbed into his chest. All the hurt and all the pain she had been through. He wished there was someway to fix everything, to make it up to her.

He thought about what Mark had said — that he needed to fight for her — and looking down at the woman in his arms, who had almost literally cried herself to sleep. Right then and there he vowed that he was going to do just that. He wasn’t going to let her go back to Los Angeles without him.


	10. Chapter 10

__

  
**[12 years earlier]**   


He woke in the dead of the night to an eerie silence. Immediately he knew something was wrong.

Looking over, he saw Addison’s side of the bed was empty, and his worst fears were confirmed.

“Addison!” He leaped out of bed. He could see the light from the bathroom shining under the door. “Addison!”

He twisted the handle and it moved within his grasp. He pushed the door open.

She was lying on the floor, her hands clasped around her stomach, her faced lined with tears and pain.

“Addison!” He dropped to his knees beside her. “Oh, my God!”

Her eyes looked almost blank. She blinked at him unseeingly.

“We need to get you to a hospital,” he said. 

He stood up in a panic, looking around for his phone. Her hand reached out, grabbing him by the wrist.

He started.

“It’s too late,” she said. “It’s over.”

He stared at her. “You’re kidding.” It was the only thing he could think to say.

“I think I would know, Derek,” she said.

And then all of a sudden, a ball of rage boiled up inside. “You _knew_ this was happening and you didn’t tell me? How could you do that? How long ago did it happened? What in the hell is wrong with you?”

He glared at her. He knew, rationally, that this wasn’t her fault, that this wasn’t the reaction he needed to be having. He knew he should be calling a doctor, checking her over, comforting her. 

But for a moment, none of that mattered. It was like his future had vanished in front of his eyes and nothing meant anything. He didn’t care that she was lying in pain on the floor of their bathroom. He didn’t care that she was hurting, too. He didn’t care that just a few short months ago he had told her that she was more important than a future child they might never have. All he cared was that their baby — their baby — was gone. Gone before it even had a chance. Gone before they ever knew it was a boy or a girl.

It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t right. And there was no blame, except her. 

“I’m sorry,” she said. She closed her eyes and didn’t say anything else. 

“Yeah,” he mumbled. “Me too.” 

He had to get out of there. He felt like he was going to explode. He stormed out of the bathroom, looking for a place to let out his rage, leaving his wife to deal with the loss of the baby on her own. 

  
**[Day 9: On the road, somewhere between Miami and New York City]**  


The day had finally come. The road trip was reaching its end. It was time.

They decided it was better to just drive straight through and not to force another stop. New York was twenty-two hours away, and all three of them were anxious and nervous to head back.

So many memories, good and bad, and none of them knew how they were going to feel once they got there. But they all knew it was time.

Mark took the first shift driving and Derek took the passenger seat. They waited until Addison had fallen asleep, which didn’t take long, to begin talking. 

“You two seem a lot closer than in New Orleans,” Mark started off. “Things are going okay?”

“Things are,” Derek paused, searching for the right work. “Inconlusive,” he finally said.

“Meaning?”

“Meaning she doesn’t trust me.”

Mark nodded. “That’s not surprising,” he said. “We both screwed her over pretty badly.”

“And Sam didn’t help,” Derek added.

“No,” Mark said. “So what are you going to do?”

“Wait to see what happens in New York,” he said. “See how she feels after that.”

“Are you sure this is what you want?”

“What do you mean?”

“Her,” Mark said simply. “Are you sure?”

Derek’s eyes narrowed. “Haven’t you been telling me for the past six months that you think I’m still in love with her?”

Mark nodded. “Being in love with her isn’t the same as wanting to be with her,” he said. He cast a glance at the man sitting next to him. “Relax, Derek,” he said. “I want you to be happy. I want _her_ to be happy. I just want to make sure this is what you _both_ want.”

Derek turned to look out the window. He watched the cars ahead of him, elusive almost, up there but too far away to catch. He watched the scenery fly by outside.

“I messed up,” he said eventually. “With her. The first time. I messed up a lot. But I’m different now. She’s different. I know this is what I want. I’m sure of that.”

Mark turned to him, his face thoughtful.

“Okay,” he finally said. “I believe you.”

•••

The stop for lunch marked the beginning of the New York Memory Tour, as Mark jokingly called it later.

Addison started.

“Remember that really dirty diner we used to go to after every class?” she said. “And the horrible greasy pizza?”

“That was delicious,” Mark said.

“It was gross,” Addison corrected.

“You have no taste,” Mark told her.

She scrunched her nose. “Look who’s talking.”

“Well,” Mark said. “Remember the horribly stuffy restaurant Addison used to make us go to? Where I swear the whole wait staff gave us dirty looks the entire time we were in there.”

“They did not,” Addison protested as Derek chimed in, “That’s because we were so loud.”

“Well, there was that,” Mark agreed.

“How about our first apartment?” Derek said, indicating him and Mark. “With the kitchen sink that didn’t want to work?”

“Oh, that place,” Mark said fondly. “I did some of my best work there.” He waggled his eyebrows at Addison.

She made a face. “Ewwww,” she said. “I don’t want to know.”

“Why not?” Mark said. “I had to hear you and him.” He pointed to Derek. “Those walls were way too thin.”

Addison flushed. 

“I don’t know why you’re embarrassed,” Mark told her. “You sounded like you enjoyed yourself.”

Addison’s flush deepened. Derek laughed. 

“It’s okay, Addie,” Derek said. “That’s not as bad as the time my mom caught us in the hall closet at her house.”

“Ohhhh,” Addison groaned, dropping her head into her hands. “I think that is the most mortifying moment of my entire life. I’m pretty sure that’s the reason your mom hates me.”

“I’m pretty sure that’s not the reason,” Mark piped up. Derek elbowed him.

“What?” Mark said. “I’m just saying maybe Addie should have worn something a little less _expensive_ the first time she met your family.”

Addison looked up and glared. “Derek told me to be myself!” she said. 

“That’s why you should never listen to Derek,” he said.

“Yeah,” she said. “Because the times I listened to you have worked out so well for me.”

“What do you mean?” Mark said innocently. “When have I ever led you astray?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Addison said. “I seem to recall you telling me Derek would love it if I learned to ice skate so he could take me skating in Central Park.”

“And he would have!” Mark protested. “I did not tell you to fall and break your ankle. It’s not my fault that you are klutzy.”

“You ran in to me!” she exclaimed.

“That’s what she tells people,” Mark said, nodding at Derek, “So people don’t realize she tripped over absolutely nothing.”

“I hate you,” Addison said.

“I hate you, too,” he said.

“And I hate you both on principle,” Derek said. “So there we go.”

•••

The closer they got to New York, the more the tension in the car seemed to rise. 

“Do you think you could ever go back?” Addison asked at one point. She was still in the back, staring out the window. Derek was driving now.

“To New York?” Mark asked.

“Yes,” she said.

“I could,” Mark said. “I’d love nothing more.”

“Same,” Derek said.

“Then why don’t you?” Addison asked.

“It’s not that easy,” Derek said quietly.

“I wish it could be,” Addison said.

“Yeah,” Derek said. “I do too.”

They drifted off into silence once more, breaking it every now and then with a passing comment, but for the most part, all three of them were lost in their own thoughts. By the time night fell, none of them felt like saying anything at all. They just watched the minutes and the miles ticking by, bringing them closer and closer to their pasts.

They stopped for gas around six in the morning. They were less than five hours away now.

Derek went inside to buy them all some donuts for breakfast. When he got back, he stopped, concern passing over his face.

Addison was leaning against the car, keeping an eye on the gas, but for the first time, Derek realized how pale she was. When he got closer, he could see she was trembling just slightly.

“Addison,” he said softly.

She jumped, not having realized he was there.

“Are you okay?” he asked her. “You don’t look good.”

She forced a smile. “I’m fine,” she said.

It was her turn to drive, but one look at her by Mark and he and Derek decided they were better off if Mark drove.

“Why don’t you try and get some sleep?” Derek suggested as they all got back in the car. Addison nodded.

“I’m worried about her,” Derek said to Mark a couple hours later. She was stretched across the backseat, but in the faint light of early morning, he couldn’t see her well enough to tell if she was really asleep. He could tell that she still looked really pale, and he thought he could see her still trembling.

“Me, too,” Mark said. “I think it’s just nerves, though, not that’s she sick again.”

Derek nodded. “She’s going to make herself sick,” he said. 

“Yeah,” Mark said. “That she might.”

They made it into the city as the first bright streaks of sunlight crossed the sky. Derek and Mark had decided that it was better to just get a hotel, get some sleep first, and then go back to the brownstone. 

They woke Addison up once they got to the hotel. She was definitely paler than she had been at the gas station, and her trembling had gotten worse. Mark had to hang on to her as they walked, he was so worried she was going to fall over.

“Addison,” Mark said once they made it to their room. “Maybe you should see a doctor.”

“We are doctors,” she said.

“That isn’t what I meant,” he said.

“I’m okay,” she tells them.

Derek shook his head. “We aren’t sure you are.”

Addison’s eyes filled with tears. “I’m not sick, if that’s what you’re thinking,” she whispered, and then the tears spilled over. “I just …” She trailed off.

“You just what?” Derek asked.

Addison reached up to wipe her eyes, not that it did any good, because more tears fell as soon as she moved her hand away. She didn’t look at either of them as she talked.

“It’s been … this trip … it’s just been so nice. Like old times,” she said. “But we’re here now, and we’re going to go back _there_ , and you’re going to remember what I did and it’s all going to change again and I can’t … I don’t want to lose you.”

“Addison,” Derek dropped down on one side of her, Mark on the other. “You’re not going to lose us.”

“You stopped loving me there,” she said softly. “You both did.”

“We did not,” Derek said. “And that was a long time ago. We were different people back then. We all were. We’ve all changed. We can do this. We’re just going to go back and close the door on that history, so we can move forward, all of us together.”

“But what if …”

“But what if what?”

“What if you don’t like who I am now?” Addison met Derek’s eyes.

He reached out a finger and bopped her gently on the nose. “That would be impossible,” he said.

“How do you know?”

“Because we’ve just spent a week with who you are now, and I for one am head over heels in love with you.”

“Right,” Mark said. “And I love you, too.”

“Are you sure?” Addison whispered. She didn’t look convinced.

“We’re positive,” Mark said. “We’ll show you.”

“How?”

“Lay down.”

She frowned but she did as she told, climbing back on to the bed and lying down in the center. Derek and Mark went to lie on either side of her, both of them wrapping their arms around her. 

“We’re right here,” Derek said. “We aren’t going anywhere.”

“Even if you try to make us,” Mark said.


	11. Chapter 11

__

  
**[8 years earlier]**   


“But Derek.” Addison was close to tears. She was so tired, physically and emotionally. “It’s our anniversary. You _promised_.”

He didn’t even look at her, just hurried to the closet, pulling out his shoes.

“So you want me to tell the guy with the brain aneurism that I have other plans?” he asked sarcastically.

“Yes,” she almost shouted. “I do want you to tell him that, and tell him another surgeon can do it.”

“Addison.” He shot her an exasperated look. “They asked for me. They want the best.”

“But _I’m_ asking for you,” she said. “ _I_ need you. Please!”

“Look, I’ll make it up to you.”

“Derek …”

“Mark’s free. He can take you to dinner if you’re so upset about missing it.”

“It’s not about dinner! Derek!” She chased him down the stairs. “Are you going to ignore me forever?”

He stopped at the door, turned around. “I’m not ignoring you,” he said, and as though to prove it, he walked over and gave her a cursory kiss on the cheek. “I’ll see you later.”

And then he was gone.

Mark found her where Derek left her, sitting on the bottom step of the stairs, crying into her hands.

“It’s going to be okay,” he told her awkwardly. “Just give him time.”

“It’s been two years,” she said miserably.

“Just give him a little longer.”

Addison just shook her head. “Most days,” she said, “I wish I had never tried to get pregnant at all. At least then he wouldn’t hate me.”

  
**[Day 10: New York]**  


They awoke to a cloudy, overcast afternoon. A perfect fit to their moods. They untangled themselves from each other and all dressed in silence. Addison was no longer the only one who was nervous.

“I don’t think I can do this,” she whispered to Mark while Derek was in the bathroom. “He’s going to remember what I did, and he’s going to hate me.”

“No, he’s not, Addison,” Mark said, but the quiver in his voice didn’t serve to calm her any.

They caught a cab in front of the hotel, and even as crammed as they were in the back, they all three tried to sit as far apart from each other as possible. Addison kept picking at a thread on her shirt, Derek said nothing but his body was tense, Mark kept fidgeting, not being able to sit still.

It was the longest twenty-five minute cab ride of their lives.

As the cab driver drove away after dropping them off, Addison was tempted to run after him. But instead she turned around, facing the house that they once called home.

It looked how she remembered it. Dark brown, a little more weathered. Feelings of nostalgia and apprehension washed over her in equal doses. She felt like she might pass out.

Derek had the key. His hand shoot as she opened the door.

Mark and Addison followed him in, Mark clutching Addison’s hand in his.

Derek didn’t wait for either of them, just started moving, from room to room, his face blank, no sign of any sort of emotion.

Mark watched Addison watching Derek. She almost seemed to have shrank in size since they had arrived. She was pressed against the door, her face pale.

Finally, her knees gave way slightly and she swayed. Only Mark’s hand on her waist saved her from falling.

“I need air,” she whispered, and slipped back outside. Derek continued to roam from room to room. Mark leaned his head back against the wall and closed his eyes.

Addison was contemplating just getting up and walking away, and she probably would have if she trusted her legs to carry her. Instead, she just sat on the front stoop, visions of pounding on the door, crying, her clothes scattered behind her, fresh in her mind. It was all she could see.

She felt herself begin to shake.

“Addison?” She started. Derek was somehow in front of her. She couldn’t tell by looking at him what he was thinking. She felt light-headed.

Derek held out his hand to her. “Come on,” he said. “I need you to come in with me.”

“No,” she said.

“Please,” he said. “I need you to do this.”

She felt like she didn’t have a choice. She let him pull her up. Surprisingly, he kept hold of her hand and led her inside.

He stopped first in the foyer.

“The day we moved in here,” he said, “I carried you over the threshold.”

She almost smiled. “Yeah,” she said. “And almost walked me into the wall.”

“But I didn’t,” he said. “That’s the important part.”

Squeezing her hand, he led her forward, into the kitchen. It looked the same as she remembered it.

He pointed to the island in the center.

“I remember the night you decided it would be fun to make chocolate chip cookies …”

“For your nieces and nephews …”

“But you somehow forgot the eggs and then burned the whole bath …”

“It smelled really bad,” she recalled.

“And you were so upset,” he continued. “And I loved you so much for being so upset about something as silly as cookies.”

“I wanted to do something nice for them. Someone in your family needed to like me.”

“Everyone in my family liked you.”

“Not your mom.”

“Besides her.”

“Not Kathleen.”

“Addison …”

She shrugged. “I remember you tried to distract me from my horrible cookies,” she said softly.

“And we had sex,” Derek said.

Addison looked around. “I think we had sex in here a lot.”

He grinned. “We sure did.”

“We might have had sex more times than we cooked.”

“Well, you certainly did.”

She puffed.

He pulled on her hand again and led her next to the living room.

“Over there,” he said, pointing to the corner, “is where we would we put the over-the-top Christmas tree you always made us buy every year.”

“Our Christmas trees were pretty.”

“And very tall. And very full of ornaments. And very loaded down with presents.”

“I love Christmas,” she said.

“Me too,” he said. “Even when you’d try to sing Christmas carols.”

She frowned. “I’m not that bad.”

“Yes, you are.”

“I’m better than you.”

“That’s debatable.”

He tugged on her hand for the fourth time and led her down the hallway to his office. This was the room that looked most different. Most of his stuff had long ago been packed up and sent to Seattle.

He saw the anguished expression that crossed her face and squeezed her hand.

He pointed to the armchair. 

“You always came in here to watch me work,” he said.

“I wanted to keep you company.”

“And you’d read your book or do your crossword puzzles.”

“I did a lot of crossword puzzles.”

“And then you’d fall asleep and start snoring.”

“I don’t snore.”

“And be mad when I woke you up and told you to go to bed.”

“That’s because you’d smack me in the head with a pillow.”

“One time, Addison, one time.”

“And you didn’t always wake me up. You left me here a few times.”

“And I never heard the end of it,” he said.

“Well, my neck was sore for a week.”

“It’s not my fault you can’t read without falling asleep.”

“It’s your fault we didn’t have a more comfortable chair.”

He smiled at her.

“Come on,” he said.

She stopped walking when they got to the bottom of the stairs. She knew what was coming next.

“No,” she said.

“It’s the last one, Addison,” he said gently.

“No,” she whispered and batted tears away. “I can’t.”

“Yes, you can. Come on.”

She looked over her shoulder helplessly at Mark, who had been standing in the corner by the front door the whole time. He followed his two friends upstairs. He figured he should be there for this.

Derek took a deep breath outside the doors to their bedroom. Then, with a moment of decision, he pushed them open.

Addison stifled a sob.

It was different than how she remembered it in her nightmares. Then, she remembered torn sheets and clothes on the floor. But in reality, the bed was made, everything put away. Some of the photos were still standing, but most had been packed away, moved to Seattle and then L.A.

But somehow the reality felt so much worse.

Addison sank to her knees on the carpet, sobs bursting out of her. She felt both men kneel down beside her.

She turned to Derek.

“I’m so sorry,” she sobbed. “I’m so sorry.”

He reached out, pushed a damp tendril out of her eyes. “I forgave you a long time ago,” he said softly. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”

“But I messed it all up.”

“No,” he said. “ _We_ messed it all up. All three of us. We all had equal hands in this, not just you.”

She ran a hand across her eyes. “Why did you bring me here?” she said.

“Because,” he answered. “I needed you to remember there were good times, too. There were a _lot_ of good times, especially in this room. One bad night doesn’t change the rest of it.”

“I don’t need to know about all the good times,” Mark said.

Derek glanced over at him.

“Sometimes I still want to punch you,” he said seriously.

Mark nodded. “Sometimes I want to punch me, too.” He looked at both of them. “I’m sorry, too.”

“We’re all sorry,” Derek said. “But that isn’t what this is about. It’s time to let go.”

“What do you mean?” Addison asked. She was still wiping away tears.

“I think it’s time we sell this place. I think it’s time we move on.”

She glanced up at him, her eyes wide. She looked terrified.

He smiled at her, took her hand.

“I want to make new memories with you, Addison,” he said. “I want us to remember the old ones, but I want us to make new ones. Wherever you want. Here, or Seattle, or Los Angeles. It’s up to you.”

Addison was quiet. The silence seemed to stretch on forever.

“Addison,” Derek coaxed.

“I don’t know,” she said. “I need to think. I can’t be here anymore.”


	12. Chapter 12

__

  
**[6 months earlier]**   


It was too similar to the last time. Much too similar. But different too.

She woke up in the middle of the night. Everything was dark. For a second, she tried to focus, figure out what woke her. And then it came again.

The stab of pain. The horrible, agonizing pain.

She made it to the bathroom. Barely. She needed to call 911. She needed to call someone.

But everything hurt. She couldn’t move. She could feel the blood, seeping though her underwear, seeping through her pajamas, spreading out on to the floor underneath her.

“Noooo,” she sobbed. This couldn’t be happening. Not again.

“Please not again,” she whispered into the darkness. “Please help me.”

But no one was there. No one heard.

•••

She woke alone. It took her a few minutes to realize where she was. The white walls, the white sheets.

Her hands instantly found her stomach. She hadn’t been showing much, but even still, she knew.

It was gone.

Amelia came back into her hospital just ten minutes later. Addison was curled in a fetal position, sobbing as though her heart was breaking.

“Oh, Addie,” Amelia whispered. She climbed in beside her sister-in-law and held her. Addison didn’t stop crying for two days.

They didn’t let her leave the hospital for a week. She had almost died, they told her. Amelia had found her, but she had lost so much blood, she had barely been breathing. 

The doctor was sorry, he had tried, but in the end there was nothing he could do. They had to save her life, so they took away any chance she had to ever be a mother.

She didn’t go back to work for a month. She just laid in bed, staring at the walls, thinking about the two babies she would never get to hold.

Sam never once came to see her, not even when she was just next door. Amelia told her he asked about her. Addison didn’t care.

Six weeks after she lost the baby, she walked next door. He was sitting on the balcony, drinking a beer. He barely acknowledged her presence.

“You could have at least had the decency to break up with me,” she said, her anger barely contained.

He shrugged. “I told you I didn’t want a baby.”

“And I told you that you didn’t need to be involved.”

He took a sip of beer. “I guess it doesn’t matter now.”

“You’re happy about this.” A feeling of horror spread through her.

For the first time since she had arrived, he glanced over at her.

“I’m not happy you almost died,” he said. “Or that you’re upset. I’m not a monster.”

“But you’re happy the baby died.”

“No,” he said, the clarified. “I’m just relieved it’s not a problem anymore.”

She stared at him aghast. “You’re an ass,” she said. “I can’t believe I ever thought I loved you.”

He shrugged. “You were lucky to have me.”

Her eyes narrowed. “Keep telling yourself that.”

The next day, she called Oceanside Wellness to tend her resignation.

“Addison,” Charlotte said, but she had interrupted. 

“I’m sorry. I’m done.”

But Charlotte was more stubborn than she was and a few weeks later, Addison was back to doing surgeries.

But she wasn’t happy. Not even close.

Five and a half months after she lost the baby, Addison told Amelia she needed to get away. Twelve hours later, Amelia called Derek.

  
**[Day 11: New York City]**  


The next morning, Addison was gone before Derek and Mark awoke. She hadn’t said much after they left the Brownstone the day before, but they had let her be. They knew it had been hard on her — it was hard on all of them — and they though giving her time would be best.

“I should have made her talk,” Derek said. He’d tried calling her cell, but it went straight to voicemail.

“She’s a big girl, Derek,” Mark said. “She knows this city like the back of her hand. She’ll be fine.”

“She hasn’t been here in six years,” Derek argued. “And she’s upset, and not thinking clearly.”

“You worry too much.”

“I’m worried about her.”

“She’ll come back.”

“I can’t lose her. Not again.”

Mark pressed his finger to his lips, considering his next words. “For what it’s worth,” he finally said. “I don’t think she can afford to lose you either.”

“I’m still worried about her,” Derek said. 

Five hours later, Mark was really worried, too.

“She should have been back by now,” he said, dialing her number again for the tenth time in an hour. He hung up in frustration when it went straight to voicemail. “Where could she have gone?”

They had thought about calling their friends, Weiss and Savvy and even Naomi since they knew she was back here now, but they didn’t think Addison would have gone to them. She hadn’t mentioned them at all the entire past week, and they didn’t think she would want to talk about what had been happening. 

Mark and Derek weren’t even sure how many people knew about the miscarriage.

It wasn’t until Mark headed downstairs to get them a cup of coffee from the closest Starbucks, that something dawned on Derek.

“I’m an idiot,” he said, when Mark got back. “I am a huge and utter idiot.”

“Did you want me to argue with that?”

“I know where she is.”

“How?”

“I just realized what today is.”

“Friday?”

“The anniversary of the day I proposed to her.”

“Ohhhhh.” Realization dawned on Mark’s face. “Oh,” he repeated.

“I’ll be back,” Derek said, grabbing his jacket and slipping on shoes.

“Good luck.”

If the cab ride to the Brownstone the day before had seemed long, this one seemed like an eternity. What if he was wrong?

But when the cab driver dropped him off in front of the sign for ferry tickets, he knew he wasn’t wrong.

She was easy to find. There weren’t many people out, but there she was, sitting on a bench, staring at the water.

He sat down next to her.

“We were worried about you,” he said softly.

She didn’t look at him, just hunched over slightly. “How did you find me?”

“I know what day it is, Addison.”

She turned to look at him then. “I didn’t think you’d remember.”

“How could I not? The day I proposed to you was one of the best days of my life.”

“It was a horrible day,” she said.

“You said yes,” he corrected. “It was a great day.”

She half smiled at that. “I’ve been thinking a lot,” she said. “I’m sorry I made you worry. I just … I couldn’t think there with you.”

“I get that.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You don’t need to be.”

She shrugged.

“What did you think about?” he asked her.

She rubbed her fingers together. The wind was picking up.

“A lot of things,” she said. “But mostly how scared I am.”

“Tell me what you’re scared of, Addie.”

She smiled at that. “Nothing,” she said. “Everything.”

He waited for her to go on.

“I’m scared of not getting better, of not ever feeling happy again. I’m scared of never getting to be a mother. I’m scared of getting to be one. I’m scared of trying again. But mostly,” she stopped and turned her head to face him. “I’m scared of you leaving me. It almost broke me the first time. I don’t think I can do it again. I’m not as strong as I used to be.”

“Hey,” he said. “I don’t think that’s true. You’re stronger than you think you are.”

She shook her head. “I’m glad you think so,” she said. “But I know better. I mean ..” She waved her arms around. “Just look at me. I’m a mess! It’s been six months — _six months_ — since the miscarriage, and until ten days ago, I could barely get out of bed. I barely left the house, I barely went to work, I barely talked to anyone.”

“But you’re here,” Derek said gently. “You’re here now.”

She shrugged.

“I know it seems like nothing, Addison,” he said. “But it is a big deal. You had something really horrible happen to you, and you had a hard time dealing with it. That doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human. And yes, what you said is true. You did do all those things. But you also got out of bed and packed a suitcase — or, in your case, two of them — and got in a car and came with us. And even when you haven’t wanted to, you’ve talked to us and you’ve let us in and you’ve opened up to us. I know how scary that was for you to do that, but you did it.

“And that, Addison, takes a lot of strength. Which is why I know you are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. So much more.”

She didn’t answer for awhile. Finally, she shrugged. “Yeah, I guess,” she said.

She drifted back off into silence. He watched her for awhile, letting her think, but finally, he squeezed her hand again.

“Want to tell me what you’re thinking?”

“I’m thinking what happens next.”

“What does happen next?”

“I don’t know.”

“What do you want to happen next?”

She looked over at him. “I want to be with you.” It was the first time she had said it, without waffling, without hesitation.

“We said we’d wait till New York to decide anything,” Derek said.

“And we’re here,” she said.

“Are you sure?”

She nodded. “I’ve never been more sure about anything else in my life. And I am not sure about anything else at all right now, but I am sure about that. I want to be with you.”

She bit her lip.

“What?”

“I just need to know,” she said.

“Anything.”

“I need to know you won’t leave me.”

“I won’t leave you.”

“How do I know?”

“Because you know me. Because you always have. And because I love you. More than anything.”

“I love you too.”

“So,” Derek said softly. “Does this mean what I think it means? Are we trying again?”

“I’d like that.”

“Me too.”

She leaned over then, pressed her lips to his, soft and tender. 

“Why don’t we head back?” Derek said. Part of him wanted to stay right there with her eternity, but there was no rush. Because they did have forever. “I think there is someone else who’d be interested in hearing this news.”

“Yeah,” Addison said. “You’re right.” She stood up, Derek’s hand still in his.

“But if we ever get married again,” she said, as they headed toward the street to hail a taxi. “Maybe we shouldn’t invite Mark this time.”

“And why is that?”

“You do know he slept with Amelia at our wedding, right? And tried to feel me up when we were dancing?”

“He did what?”

Addison nodded. “Yup.”

Derek frowned. “Okay, we’re going to have to have a talk with Mark when we get back to the hotel.”

“Can we at least have sex first?” she teased. “If you talk to Mark, it might take all night.”

“Well, if you insist,” he said.

“Oh, I insist. I insist very much.”


End file.
